Friday, July 31, 2009

Damage Control!

Everyone has their own way of dealing with disaster. If you're a conservitard, you tend to double down on your failures until your daddy promotes you. If you're a pwogwessive, however, you do things completely and utterly differently by, uh, doubling down on your failures. Take health care, fer instance...

Alas, a pwog - We must accept this pile of shit and hope to make said shit pile bigger in the future.

Balk the Left
- Uh, well, I dunno. Whatever Atrios says, I guess.

Diggly Wiggly - We're far too stupid to possibly understand any of this, so we'll just have to trust our masters and betters and be good little pwoggie bloggie doggies. Arf.

Gesundheit - People are too stupid to care about the details, they just want to be lied to convincingly.

NewsPwoggers - We must elect democrats to all 870 seats!

Obot Left - Take the crumbs we're offered and I promise promise promise we'll try really really hard to actually do something about heath care in 15 or so years by electing Mo'Betta Dems! (It's worked great so far, hasn't it? Well?)

Pwogman! - Mo'Betta Dems!

Shake-A-Puddin' - Judd Apatow sucks! - Part 3,000,000

Lamey - Blue Moon is a fag beer for faggity fag fags. Buy my CD!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

41 dimentional chess

Diggy has always been utterly clueless about power, it's different types and how it's distributed and used in our government. That's okay. It's not really her place to understand, just cheer on her "team" and keep her little gaggle of pwoggies in line until election time.

However, Ladies and Gentlemen, I must announce that I've been somewhat mistaken about Diggy. Sure, her reasoning tends towards argumentum ad ignorantum of the willful sort when it comes to her party of bloodthirsty corporate-owned sleezebags, but this little missive has opened my eyes about our Diggy. Feast on this:

"...all we can do is fulfill our role in the process as concerned citizens and activists and take the politicians at face value, because it's all we have to go on."

now compare:

"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I take it back. Diggy is not Hortense Dimwitty. She's Blanche-Freakin'-Dubois!

The 24/7 Pwoggie Bloggie Pity Party

Having watched Dear Leader bail out the banksters to the tune of several ba-jillion dollars, ramp up the slaughter in Afghanistan, fudge his promised withdrawl from Iraq, pass a truly craptastic energy bill written by his clean coal & nuke buddies, and continue much of Bush/Cheney's odious legecy from torture to domestic surveillance, our faugressive friends of the Demotard left are beginning to show a wee bit of the strain that comes with ear-bleedingly massive cognitive dissonance.

The usual excuses have all been exhausted. Republicans, Bloooo Dogs, The Media, sunspots, "centrists," biorythms, Cynthia McKinney, halitosis, SPECTRE, bad vibes and the Curse of the Bambino have all been deployed in a frantic whirl of rationalization. Only pwogs as oblivious as Shake-A-Puddin are still posting pictures of Dear Leader to coo and swoon over. (Nausea alert!) And only pwogs as braindead as Pwogman are still trying to rally the troops by pushing "Mo'Betta Dems." (Fuck, even "Mo'Betta" Bowers isn't clueless enough to be pushing that stale Mo'Betta meme right now.)

Now that all their go-to rationalizations are laying around stinking like three day old fish, what's a progressive to do? Finally put down the Cheetos and Dr. Pepper, get out of the basement and start the long, arduous work of organizing real in-the-flesh people?

No, you fool! It's time to start moaning! It's time to start whining! It's the 24/7 pwogwessive pity party - and you're invited!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ein Reich! Ein Folk! Ein Party!

First off, please welcome a new site the Pwoggie Bloggie puddin' pop list, The Grampa "Git off my lawn you dirty fucking hippy!" Institute. They used to write some pretty funny stuff concerning their freeper kin. But now that their party is in the majority and killing brown people for oil, they're kinda out of a job. Now they just sit on the blog porch in their rocking chairs, screaming at "Naderiods." Kinda sad, really.

This latest gem of pwoggie bloggie wisdom comes to us fresh from the mighty presses of the NewsPwoggers. It's hard to tell exactly what this little manifesto is all about, but it looks like the pwogs are taking cues from the good old National Socialist Workers Party. How's this for a punch line?
"I would love to see an 870 seat strategy enacted."
I suppose it's just possible Fester doesn't know about his party's ballot line rigging. Maybe he's not familiar with our 95% incumbancy re-election rate. It could be he's just a terminally partisan demozombie. Or maybe he thinks that's the number of seats the dems would have to have to get single payer passed.

And, ya know, he'd still be wrong.

Delusions of Adequacy

Over at Obot Left, pwoggie celeb Ian "I'm not a Democrat I just shill for them." Welsh is wondering why progressives don't play the Washington money game:

"I don't know why we don't have really effective fund-raising which is sufficient to do effective lobbying."

I dunno why ol' Ian can't figure this out. He's not a complete idiot. Maybe he still believes the good government bullshit he was taught in Civics 101. Maybe he's Canadian or something. Maybe he doesn't have access to Wikipedia or any resources having to do with income distribution in the United States. A la:

While income increased among all demographics (in the 20th century), the upper-most earners saw substantially larger increases. According to economist Janet Yellen "the growth [in real income] was heavily concentrated at the very tip of the top, that is, the top 1 percent."

Pwoggies like to believe that the pennies they turn in to ActBlue or MoveOn or some other DP front group gives them real clout within the party. The truth is, of course, that pwoggies couldn't afford the money it takes to influence a congressional page, much less a congressperson.

New and Improved

Shorter Alas, a pwog:

"We need to accept this pile of shit so 20 or so years down the road we can improve it."

That really is the ultimate goal of do-nothing intertard progressivism, isn't it? Big stinking piles of "improved" shit. (Here's a clue for the clueless: It's not two groups fighting over legislation, it's one group trying to figure out how to get re-elected while not offending it's corporate paymasters.)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Very Special Pwog Blog Roundup - Health Care Edition

By now everyone (who gives a crap) has heard about the Senate Finance Committee's health care bill and it's unsurprising lack of a "public option." And certainly by now everyone (who, again, gives a crap) knows that the "public option" is a bait-'n-switch flavored bone for which the pwoggie blogs have been whining since for-fucking-ever. So you'd think that there's be some major sturm und drang about this, wouldn't you? Well let's find out, shall we? Here's the reaction so far:

Alas, a pwog - Captain Kirk is teh funneh!

Balk the Left - The Sotomayor drama will be the death of the Corporate Party! Long live OUR Corporate Party!

Diggly Wiggly - The Onion is teh funneh!

Gesundheit - Whut heath care?

NewsPwoggers - Captain Kirk is teh funneh!

Obot Left - Heath care? Who cares? The US/China talks are more important! So STFU!

Pandadroppings - No it isn't! Michael Vick's re-enstatement is more important!

Pwogman! - How will the Sotomayor drama affect our corporate party?

Shake-A-Puddin - OMG! Senate Judiciary Committee endorsed Sotomayor! Our team wins! Our team wins! Whooooooot!

Lamey - Uh, this is all the fucking Republicans fucking fault! Buy my CD!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Diggy Doesn't Dig - Episode Umpity Ba-jillion

Poor Diggy. The mighty pwogwessive revolution just isn't panning out they way they'd planned it in the weekly e-mail. The tiny bits of access her and her pwoggie bloggie cohorts have been given by their DP masters are proving unsatisfactory and, as if that weren't bad enough, it looks like her presidential boyfriend is about to unleash another wave of craptastic legislation on behalf of his health insurance paymasters.

What to do? Well, you'll probably have noticed by now that when Diggy can't plausibly blame the Republicans, the "System", sunspots or Ralph Nader for her party's failings, she inevitably turns to "THE MEDIA." (Never mind that "THE MEDIA" is owned by the same people who own her party. That inconvenient fact has yet to penetrate the entire pwoggiesphere, much less confines of Diggy's pwoggie bloggie clubhouse.)

Anyroad, in this post, Diggy applies her powerful "feet to the fire" 10th grade civics class analytical skills to the problem and comes up with this Pearl Bailey of Wisdom:

"For a variety of reasons, the press holds Democrats to tougher standards, mostly because of their own failures during Republican presidencies. And because they overreact in Democratic administrations, they inevitably go easier on Republicans. How much of this is political bias is unknown, but it doesn't matter. The effect is the same. "

A classic bit of projection, nu? The fact that media conglomerates are multi-billion dollar businesses never seems to dawn on the pwoggie mind. In Diggy's insulated middle-class fantasy world, THE MEDIA feels shame. It "overreacts." It feels embarrassment and joy and ennui and who-the-fuck-knows what else. Why THE MEDIA acts just like a partisan personality cultist with delusions of political relevance! Imagine that!

But you don't need me to tell you that. Just go through the article, insert the word "I" whenever you see "the press" and it'll become hilariously obvious. (Ya know, maybe it's for the best that the levers of power remain obscured to Diggy. Reality would just upset the poor thing.)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sunday Pwoggie Roundup

Git along, little pwoggies! Here's the Sunday roundup of everything our oh-so-liberal pwog blogs had to say about the latest casualties and bombings in Afghanistan. You can just feel their concern, can't you?

Alas, A Pwog - ", sex, sex, masturbation, sex..."

Balk the Left - "Scooter Libby got off and Time magazine totally didn't report it."

Diggly Wiggly - "Leave my boyfriend alooooooone!"

Gesundheit - "My basement's totally flooded. Please leave hundreds of comments about it."

NewsPwoggers - "OMG! Hillary shills for AIPAC! There's no way we could possibly have known that!"

Obot Left - "Lookit the crazy old lady! Hahahaha!"

Pandadroppings - "Obama got elected and yet America is still a deeply racist country. Go figure!"

Pwogman! - "It's just possible that there are corporate owned DLC'ers in the administration thwarting our progressive revolution."

Shake-A-Puddin' - "I got new glasses and I need validation. Everyone tell me how totally cool they look. Now!"

Lamey - "Come see my act in SF, where I'll call Ann Coulter a cunt! You'll be shocked, I tell you! Shocked!"

Friday, July 24, 2009

Buyer's Remorse

Every now and then, when the Pwogwessive Chorus' choir masters have to take a break to nurse their sore baton wrists, the sounds of a couple off-key singers emerges from the otherwise uniform hope 'n change din. Such has been the case lately on a couple of the pwoggie blogs.

This time around it's Newspwoggers and Obot Left leaking a mournful tune over the stalling of Obama's craptastic "public option" heath care industry reform over Congress' summer schmoozing-for-dough break. Don't bother reading these extended whines - they're not much different from the ones published during the TARP robbery, the energy bill fiasco, or any of the other little "disappointments" dished out by the Obama administration to the personality cultists. And we all know that this one will be just as easily forgotten as the others.

What I want to know is - what right do these fuckers have to feel buyer's remorse? They're the ones that threw their vote away without so much as a whisper of a demand. They're the ones that jumped into the Obama Personality Cult with both fucking feet. They're the ones who did their utmost to shout down dissenting voices in the name of "not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good."

Good? Good? The pwoggie blogs actually characterized these corporate-owned war-mongering scumbag republicrats as "good." Astonishing, nu? And now that they've got their corporate-owned war-mongering scumbag republicrats in office, they're complaining that the corporate-owned war-mongering scumbag republicrats are in fact corporate-owned war-mongering scumbag republicrats!

Truly, there can be only one rational, thoughtful, compassionate response to this kind of behavior.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Mysteries of Pwoggiedom #8

Why do pwoggies write like the guy at the start of this Twisted Sister video talks?

Who will rid me of this troublesome issue?

Looks like the pwoggie blogs have something else to obsess about besides pimping their craptastic lesser-evil health care non-reform (or as Emperor Obama corrected in his presser last night - "health insurance reform.") Perhaps orders came in the morning memo to focus on this unsurprising but clear cut bit of racism. Or maybe they're just desperate to focus on something more hopey-changey than Obama's latest bait-and-switch. Either way it's full court press time for working for single payer lauding Dear Leader for his kind words about the Gates arrest.

How do I know? Because almost every single spineless glue-huffing pwoggie blog on the list has one or more posts up about it. The only exception is PwogMan!, who appears to be curled into a fetal position, rocking back and forth in some kind of pwoggie repub-hatred trance. (Is it possible for pwogs to be autistic?) What this portends I can't possibly imagine. Could PwogMan! have finally reached his limit for cognitive dissonance? Could this be The End for PwogMan!???

(Update: Guess not. PwogMan! has snapped out of his ponfar-like state to join the Pwoggie Chorus in a rousing performance of 'Hossanah Obama in the Highest.')

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

In which I beg the Emperor for mercy.

At the behest of Dear Leader, cadres of Kool Aid chugging Obots across teh intarwebs are running increasingly shrill posts on the topic of how dangerously insane their freeper brethren have become. Diggy, Shakey, the NewsPwogger crew and Pwogman! are just the lip-frothing edge of a fauxgressive tidal wave of screeching wild-eyed scorn. Honestly, I don't think there's been quite this amount of arm flailing batshit insanity since the last time Ralph Nader ran for president.

So, what did the Repububthubthugrapelican freepers do to get their pwoggie brother's collective panties in a bunch? Is it their opposition to the health care "reform" currently slithering it's way through congress? Naw, can't be it. It's like a scene from "Holy Grail." What are the repubs gonna do? Bleed on 'em?

No, I think all the extra sound and fury signifies certain psychological processes going on beneath the pwoggie bloggie's normally blandly calm exteriors. Too much cognitive dissonance, too much projection, too much stress trying to sell their master's bogus corporate-written policies off as massive progressive victories. And now they're taking it out on their freeper cousins.

Well, shoot, I gotta sympathize. The pwoggiesphere just got finished lying through their teeth, pimping God-Emperor Obama's greenwash Cap'n Trade bill, and now their expected to sell this train wreck of a health care fiasco? Comeon! These guys aren't hardcore political flacks - their just self-delusional pwogs! There's no way they can take the repeated strain of bald-faced lying that seasoned, profession liars like Cokie Roberts or James Carville are used to.

Since I know how regularly the current administration reads our important deliberations here at DGH, I want to tender this message to the Pwogwessive's poltical masters and betters. Have mercy, Emperor Obama! Please don't lean too hard on your faithful, if fragile, followers. After all, if Diggy and Shakey and Pwogman all implode in a burst of psychological distress, what will I have to write about? Movies? Sports? Sarah Palin? Yuck!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

As Good As It Gets

In an effort to make sure the American public knows for certain-sure that it isn't good enough for single payer health care, God-Emperor Obama called together the Mighty Forces of the Pwoggiesphere for a personal (well, by phone) audience. His message?

'Sell this piece of shit for me so I don't have to hear about it again!'

And, obedient as ever, the Pwoggie Bloggie Superfriends Justice League snap into action! Here's the roundup:

Pwogman's Epistle To The Gulliblites gives his account of his audience with The Saviour. Hallelujah!

Diggy announces a savage media blitz against Max Baucus (D-Insurance Companies) that's sure to succeed much in the same way that the pwoggie campaign against Joe Lieberman succeeded.

The muchkins at OBot Left pause to comment on Dear Leader's inspirational message of hope for (small) change.

The NewsPwoggers take time out from their busy schedules to triumphantly announce the "next generation of medicine" (as brought to you by Pfizer and KaiserPermanente.)

Shake-A-Puddin' takes time out from posting cat pictures to blames the repubs.

And the crew at Gesundheit resoundingly announce "FIRST!"

Monday, July 20, 2009

Motherfuck Him AND John Wayne

Ya know, it's just too fucking easy today. Just look at this shit! Diggy is trying to convince herself that the corporate-owned-and-operated democratic party is some kind of bastion of progressive thought; Pwogman is twirling with ecstasy at the prospect of getting his marching orders direct from the God-Emperor Himself; and Shake-A-Puddin' is going orgasmic over Hillary "Bombs Away!" Clinton for about the umpty-umpth time this year.

I mean, this shit is comedy gold! There are so many laugh lines and punch lines and tan lines in just these three articles...fuck, I'd hardly know where to start. There's no challange here, no struggle, it's just too damn easy to make fun of the pwoggie blogs today. So, ya know what, screw it! I'm taking a snow day. Instead here's a little something from back before Chuck D sold out to the dems:

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Pot...Kettle...You Do The Math.

What's dumber - making policy decisions based on a TV show or asserting that ruthless and powerful people in our government make policy decisions based on a TV show?

Well, if you guessed the latter, you'd be Paul over at Brain Fell Out. In his ongoing quest to prove that conservitards are de-evolved subhuman filth soooooo far below his own exalted level that they barely register as life forms to his all-encompassing intellect, Paul takes a mediocre magazine article about a mediocre TV show called 24 and drives that baby off a cliff. His bat-shit insane conclusion? Conservatives = Terrorists!!! Here's the money quote:
On the other hand, conservatives are actually very close to the terrorists how they think--brothers under the skin, one might say: tribalist, ethnocentric, religious, fundamentalist, self-righteous, prone to violence and scornful of compromise or even dialogue. They are peas in a pod. No wonder conservatives don't want to understand the terrorists--they'd have to admit they're one and the same!
Having proved to his own satisfaction that there's no difference between George Will and Osama bin Laden, Paul and his mighty intellect move on to recommend and even crappier TV show upon which his God-Emperor's administration might profitably base US foreign policy - CBS' potboiler procedural Criminal Minds.

Now, give the pwog credit, he does skate perilously close to the heart of the problem (that the 9/11 attacks were a law enforcement problem, not a military one.) But fear not! In true pwogwessive style Paul veers away from that simple truth to wind up his "think piece" with a turgid, banal, "know thyself" conclusion that wouldn't have been out of place on an ABC After-School Special starring Krystie McNichol and Timothy Van Patten.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Captain Obvious to the rescue!

Startling news flashed across the pwoggiesphere this morning when it was discovered that lobbyists actually charge actual money to corporations for their actual services! Pwoggies took a brief break from obsessing over the forgone conclusion that is the Sotomayor hearings to reveal to their lobotomized DP followers that the American Conservative Union (essentially lobbyists disguised as a think tank) offered to do the capitol hill bribe work for FedEx but wound up working for UPS instead. WOW! WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT???

Now, you and I know that it takes Gomer-like levels of naivete to be even mildly surprised at Washington corruption. And yet the Newspwoggers and the munchkins over at The Fortress of Pwogitude are shocked, yes - shocked, to find pay-for-play going on!

Dear Readers, what ever you do, don't tell them that professional wrestling is fixed. I'd hate to see a grown pwogwessive cry.

(Update: For a bunch of oblivious pundit-wannabes who fling the word "pure" like an insult, check out the pwoggie comments at FoP. Hi-larious!)

(Update 2 - Back in Action: The chorus of pwoggie indignation rises as the political castrato of Brain Fell Out joins in.)

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Bloo Dog Thursday

The pwoggie bête noire...

As our pwogwessive answer to Margaret Thatcher threatens Iran with immanent destruction and our invisible (to pwogs, anyway) Israeli friends move warships within striking range, lets check out the pwoggie blogs and see what their reaction is, shall we? No, after you. Please, I insist:

Alas, A Pwog - Give us money!

Balk the Left - We're posting an article on wrongful convictions while being completely unaware of our favorite conservative judge's lousy track record on wrongful convictions. Whut? Irony? Whut's that?

Diggly Wiggly - The Bloo Dogs are trying to sabotage our wonderful progressive party and my boyfriend's presidency! Huff huff! You'd think they actually owned the Democratic Party or something!

Brain Fell Out - Here's the latest in a series of think tank-inspired mental masturbations I've had lately. This one is about unions. Won't you join my circlejerk?

NewsPwoggers - A mission to Mars? Impossible! Harrumph!

Pandadroppings - Lookit this stupid wingnut! LOL!

Pwogman - Lookit this dangerous wingbut! OMG!

Shake-A-Puddin' - Bloo Dogs are attacking my girlfriend's boyfriend and I'm conflicted about it.

The Lame Gimmick Pundit
- Buy my shocking CD! Listen to me be shocking on the Stephanie Miller show! Shocking!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pwoggie Kabuki

Mo'Betta, Pwogman, Diggy and Big Tent Demotard, respectively.

The marching orders our fearless pwoggie-bloggie keyboard brigade got from Ko$ this morning must have included strict orders to hard sell the healthcare "reform" bill their corporate masters pushed through the House. Check out the frantic cheerleading for this "restricted access public option," which doesn't even kick in 'til 2013 (a particularly chickshit move typical of the dems) if you have the stomach for empty rhetoric, obfuscation, bad math and mindless rah-rah.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Poodle Revolution!

You know those annoying little yappy dogs that won't shut the fuck up? Well, now you know what it's like reading pwoggie blogs every day. It's like being locked in a room with a hyperactive shih tzu whose asshole owner spikes it's Little Friskies with benzedrine.

Well anyroad, today's annoying fit of impotent yappyness comes to us fresh from the maw of Mo'Betta Bowers, the top toy poodle of DNC dog kennel Brain Fell Out. It seems to have penetrated even his thick cranium that his corporate-owned party isn't going to pass anything even remotely resembling healthcare reform. But, even worse, his masters might not throw him a watered-down "public option" bone he can show off to the other yappy dogs. Quell horreur!

Hence today's yipyipyip regarding Carolyn Maloney's post at FlatPuppyLake. Don't bother reading the whole thing. It's the usual democrat weaseling. Of course, every neutered poodle has to have a bigger dog to hide behind and, fortunately for Mo'betta, he can use the "Blue Dog" dems to explain away the political irrelevence of his "progressive block."

Ya see, Mo'Betta isn't barking at the Blue Dogs. He's standing behind one of the Blue Dog's legs and barking at his pwoggie dog friends. And his message is: "Give our masters your money!"


A Public Service

This is just to aggrivate the do-nothing democrat Pwoggie Bloggies who sneer down their noses at real activists. Some of our friends at GreenPeace show what putting your ass on the line really looks like...

Just a little disappointed...

(Diggy finally noticed there's something going on in the world that doesn't involve Sotomayor or Sara Palin...)

Shorter Diggly-Wiggly:
"Good news from the Good War! My boyfriend is going to symbolically investigate one of our massacres over there. Still, if any more US Marines get killed, I might not be able to completely ignore the bloodbath the way I usually do. Plus, I approve of my party savagely dismembering children in Afghanistan and Pakistan to prove that we're just as tough as the other team. But I'm kinda sorta mildly disappointed that we might not win after all."
(Update: Nevermind.)

Monday, July 13, 2009

News of the Peanut Gallery

International Symbol for 'Pwog'

While Iraq continues to implode and IEDs in Afghanistan continue to explode, the pwoggie blogs are all a-twitter about the best darn SCOTUS nominee ever in the history of SCOTUS nominees ever! For instance:

~Over at Balk the Left, Big Tent Demotard is in full cheerleader mode. Like a toddler opening birthday presents, each democratic senator making a statement is the Bestest Senator Ever In The Whole Wide World!!!1!one!!

~DNC ass kisser Diggy is complaining about republitards slurping Limbaugh's fat racist butt. Ah, jealousy is an ugly thing...

~On a similar note, Brain Fell Out gently suggests to his faithful pwogwessive followers: Send Your Checks In Now, Suckers!

~Meanwhile, the cultists at Shake-A-Puddin are twirling with anticipation over D-AL-C Franken's turn at the mic. Will he be fantastic or merely wonderful?

Honestly, it's little wonder that pwogs get screwed time and again by conservative democrats when their pwoggie bloggie leaders make this kind of fuss over a conservative judicial nominee.

Friday, July 10, 2009

War? What war?

Since I'm going to be busy editing an industrial this weekend, here's an early roundup of everything the pwog blogs have to say about the explosion of violence in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now don't say I never did anything for you.

Balk the Left - Like God-Emperor Obama, I have no problem with designating the entire world a battlefield, declaring war on a noun, and then locking up anyone, anywhere, for thought crimes. But the jail must be a nice, comfy jail!

PwogMan - Freepers don't feel pain like we do.

Diggly Wiggly - My boyfriend's first coup is juntariffic! But one of 'em is kind of a jerk.

Brain Fell Out - A rightwing democrat I don't like is criticizing the rightwing democrat I do like. Send your checks in now!

NewsPwoggers - Matt Taibbi is teh awesome!

Pandadroppings - Cats are teh awesome!

Shake-A-Puddin - Brüno, liek, totally sucks!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Pelosi Pity Party

Buy my CD!

While the rest of the pwoggiesphere is busy celebrating their massive pwogwessive health care reform victory for days and weeks now, the Lameass Gimmick Pundit doesn't seem to have gotten that memo. Instead, he's taken time out of his busy schedule of boring his fans with endless Sarah Palin screeds to demand an apology for poor, innocent little lamb Nancy Pelosi.

Even a DP propaganda rag like La Nation couldn't hide the fact that Pelosi was informed of, and approved of, the US torture regime. (Not that the spineless pwogs are about to do anything about it, mind you.) But Lamey here thinks he's discovered a fig leaf that will shield his precious corporate scumbag girlfriend from charges of collusion with the Bush administration torturers, despite Pelosi already having admitted as much.

If Lamey is honestly shocked at the news that the CIA lies to congress, maybe he should stick to demeaning women and hawking CDs. I'm sure his audience of thirteen year old misogynists would appreciate it. I know I would.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Last Ditch Rationalization

Today on Mutual of Omaha's Pwoggie Kingdom we visit a vast and uncharted wilderness of confusion and obfuscation called The Great Wasteland of Hullabaloo. There we find Digby "the Terminally Confused", Queen of the Pwogs, doing her best to keep her subjects in line despite the stunningly obvious corruption of her DP masters and betters. Her lecture today: the democrat's insurance company & HMO giveaway bill.

Queen Diggy's basic problem is: how to sell this piece of crap bill to the peons so they'll stay in the DP fold, especially when party royalty like King Rahmses all but chisels out a gravestone for the weak "public option" part of the giveaway. It's in cases like this that the pwoggie-bloggie gatekeepers resort to their last rationalization of defense:
"It's always possible that Emanuel is playing 45 dimensional chess."
What Diggy's trying to explain is that her DP masters are light years more intelligent that the mere peasants who vote for them. A complex subject like health care reform far far beyond the comprehension of the unwashed masses, hence the '46 dimensional chess' reference. The subtext being, of course: 'Just shut the hell up and send your checks in to like good little brainless proles.'

This is what pwoggies call "Populism" and it has the astonishing quality of being exactly the opposite of what the word actually denotes. Smartypants logicians call it: "argumentum ad ignorantiam" or "argument from personal ignorance" or "bloody fucking stupid."

(Update: Self-appointed blog enforcers "Special K" and "Nick" (assuming they're not the same person) are hard at work in the comments section trying to keep the faithful in line. Don't these idiots know that half the purpose of pwoggie blogs is to let the party faithful blow off steam?)

(Update - Part Deux: The pwog ropers at Brain Fell Out are having similar problems getting their fauxgressives to pony up money for the democrat front groups they regularly pimp. Get along, little pwoggies!)

Monday, July 6, 2009

Prisoner #88794 released

If there's anything the pwoggiesphere likes better than family-sized bags of Cheetos, it's sucking up to Israel. Hence the blackout on Cynthia McKinney, Mairead Maguire and the other human rights activists languishing in Ramleh prison. Well, despite the feverent prayers of fauxgressive demotards everywhere, Cynthia McKinney has been released. So sorry, pwoggies.

Diggy Doesn't Dig - Episode #6,192

Shorter Diggly-Wiggly.
'Why in the world isn't there any reaction amongst the punditocracy (to which I desperately aspire) to (credit card industry representative and part-time US Veep Joltin' Joe) Biden going on Snuffalupagus and saying the US would be just fine 'n dandy with Israel bombing the crap out of Iran? It must be part of God-Emperor Obama's Secret Plan or a mistake or something. Oh well, it doesn't really affect me.

Your Monday Morning Nerd Report

Shorter Brain Left Out:
'I'm a radical! Well, actually, I'm a merit school technocrat with an over-inflated sense self importance. Watch me misapply an obscure mathematical concept to prove how much smarter we "moderates" are than everyone else on the planet. But I'm not being smug! Losers.'

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Go outside!

Why are you sitting around and reading blogs, fercryinoutloud? It's a beautiful day! Go out and enjoy it. Go on, now. Shoo!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Independence Day Greetings From DGH!

This July 4th there's only one thing interrupting the Pwog Blog's ongoing obsession with Sarah "Moose Killer" Palin and that's holiday itself. It's the one not-to-be-missed opportunity during the year for pwogwessives to pull out the red, white and blue stops and wave the flag in frantic semaphore to signal those darn repubthuguglickans: 'Darn it, us pwogs are just as patriotic as you freepers. Heck, even more patriotic!'

Why bother? Good question! Basically, pwogwessives have the political equivalent of Short Mans Disease. They're so worried about the size of their foreign policy that they're constantly tugging at it in public, all the while bellowing about how patriotic they are. It's yet another arena where Pwogs are functionally no different than Freepers.

But that's not the only reason. Ya see, pwogs care soooooo very very much about America's reputation in the world that they'll send the very best of American munitions to the children of Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Somalia. Ain't that swell of 'em? Even neocons don't enjoy the rocket's red glare more than your average spineless pwoggie.

And that's why, in honor of the holiday, I'd like to dedicate this picture of a maimed Afghan girl to the Mighty Patriotic Pwogwessive Bloggers of Teh Intarwebs of America:

In additon, I'd like to add my personal wishes for a miserable, mosquito-ridden July 4th celebration to all you Open Lefters, Shakers, Hullabaloo'ers, Pandagonians, Newshoggers and generally every Obot and Demotard everywhere who voted to continue the mauling and murder of innocent people. And I'd also like to express my hope that each and every one of you disconnected, disinterested, sneering, snide, middle class, middle management, middle way, middle-of-the-road, merit school, do-nothing pwogwessives die in a fucking ditch with mouthful of blood after a lengthy and painful mauling by global warming-enraged polar bears. Fuck you all very much. Fuck you very, very, very much.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Don't Give Me That Goodie-Goodie Bullshit

Here's a roundup of all the posts on our pwoggie blog list pertaining to the Israeli government's arrest of peace activists in international waters. No, don't thank me. It's what I'm here for:

Alas, a Pwog - Women and people of color are severely under-represented in the lameass projects of over-privileged white nerds.

Balk the Left - Latest Michael Jackson update! DEA involved! OMG!

Fortress of Pwogitude - Harry Reid better do what I tell him to do or he's history. Pwogman has spoken!

Diggly Wiggly - I strongly suspect that one of the corporations that own our Party lock-stock-and-senators might not have our best interests at heart. When did this happen? Did anyone else know about this? Has Howard Dean been informed?

Gesundheit - Newsflash! Sunday pundit shows are stupid!


NewsPwoggers - We NewsPwoggers are far smarter and, uh {boots up} knowledgeable, learned, lettered, literate, than you ignorant peasants. Here's the latest crumb from your masters and betters. Accept it or die, peon.

Pandadroppings - Here's some obscure music videos and a tedious personal anecdote. Tell me how much you love me!

Shake-A-Puddin' - Here's some crappy kiddie TV show from back in dinosaur times. Get all weepy and nostalgic, Shakeys.

The Lame Gimmick Pundit - Ann Coulter is a whore-bitch-cunt! Haha! Boy, that was shocking. I'll bet you're really shocked now. Buy my CD!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

It's SuperPwog!

A rare photo of Booman going for a walk.

You have to hand it to Booman. The superhuman amount of cognitive dissonance he carries around in his head every day would kill a mere mortal. Take, for instance, this massively stupid statement:
"Obama has banned torture completely, for example, and he has shut down all the black prisons."
One can only speculate what other delusions occupy Booman's pwoggie-bloggie, happy-dippy-dappy consciousness. It's obviously a wonderous, magical place where happy frou-frou elves skip from door to door delivering candy and ice cream treats. Oh, and Obama's Bagram torture facility doesn't exist there. Personally, I like this choice bit:
"The inmates at Bagram are being kept in "a legal black-hole, without access to lawyers or courts", according to Tina Foster, executive director of the International Justice Network, a legal support group representing four detainees.

She is pursuing legal action that, if successful, would grant detainees at Bagram the same rights as those still being held at Guantanamo Bay.

But the Obama administration is trying to block the move."

Of course, one must remember that irresponisble rightwing media outlets like the BBC and Reuters will print anything to soil God-Emperor Obama's holy and spotless administration. It's a media conspiracy of vast proportions whose only opposition is a tiny band of progressive bloggers on a mission to Save the World with their mutant blogging powers!

Or is that 'X Men?' Fuck if I know. I hate comic books.

(Bonus! Read Madam De'Boorge's little Obot tantrum over Helen Thomas' outrageous effrontery in daring to question the Wisdom of God-Emperor Obama. Off with her head!)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Really Real Realists

Shorter NewsPwoggers:

You dirty greenie hippies are soooooo naive, unlike us realistic and worldly smartguys who support democrats even though we don't approve of them! But why oh why would anyone find fault with God-Emperor Obama's Cap'n Trade Plan To Save The World Through Clean Coal and Nukes? It's an insult to right-thinking people everywhere! Anyway, I'm happy with sucking down huge drafts of CO2! Global warming is good for farmers! Radiation is good for your complexion! Sure it is! Prove it isn't!