Monday, November 30, 2009

Half Right / Half Stupid

The World According to Big 'Tard Democrat
(Summed up in pictures, as a public service, by DGH.)


"Not Okay."

Pwoggies are funny in a teeth-grinding kind of way. I'm referring to their penchant for combining two different statements, one right and one astonishingly fucking wrong, in a single innocent paragraph. It's the pwoggie bloggie equivalent of covering a bad idea with a good idea, like plague-infected rat brains covered in chocolate, and hoping nobody notices.

And speaking of plague-infected rats, our latest example of this trend comes from the repulsive Big 'Tard Democrat, (the lowest wattage bulb on the Townhouse listserv) who tries to leaven his shitty chickenhawk warmongering with a little obvious social criticism:

"I support the President's policy in Afghaistan. I did not support the Nobel Committee's idiotic granting of its award to President Obama."
Just this once, believe it or not, I am forced to agree with Big 'Tard Democrat. Blowing Afghani women and children apart with hellfire missiles is probably bad form for a Nobel Peace Prize winner. But, unlike Big 'Tard, I'm not in favor of killing them in the first place.

Oh, and FUCK YOU, Big 'Tard. Srsly. Right in the ear.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Pwog Riders In The Sky

With the God-Emperor expected to announce an escalation of the Afghanistan Bloodbath any day now, lets check in on our herd of fearless activist truth-to-power tellers and see how they're reacting...

Alas, A Pwog - "We must place the cost of the Afghanistan Bloodbath squarely where it belongs, on the backs of the working poor!"

Balk the Left - "We koswhacks must support our Emperor in his mission to murder Afghanis!"

Gesundheit - "Lookit the wingnut!"

NewsPwoggers - "We predict our Emperor's escalation of the Afghan Bloodbath will piss off both those dirty hippie peaceniks and those bloodthirsty warhawks. (Wow, writing this stuff sure is easy when you don't take sides! Weeeee!)"

Obot Left - "I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I?"

Pandadroppings - "Lookit the wingnut!"

Pwogman! - "Lookit the wingnut!"

Shake-A-Puddin' - "Someone sent me a nasty e-mail, so I'm demanding extra praise today. Plus, off with their heads!"

Lamey - "I'm on this wingnut mailing list and, uh, and, FUCKCOCKSHITBALLSBUYMYCD!!!"

Friday, November 20, 2009

Afghanistan Bananastand

Koswhack Big Turd Demotard recently got a crumb from his DP masters in the form of a conference call with Snarlin' Arlen Specter (R/D/Weves - PA) and was dazzled by the veteran scumbag's double-shuffle on Afghanistan.

Senator Specter's position is that he opposes troop increases in Afghanistan and even questions maintaining troops in Afghanistan unless the effort is "indispensable" to the conflict with al Qaida.

Golly! In demotard circles, that almost makes Senator Sphincter a dirty hippie peacenik. Of course, just a cursory inspection of Specter's actual voting record reveals his real chickenhawk feathers. Specter never met a bloody-handed slaughter he didn't like. But real actions made by real people in the real world are generally dismissed by fauxgressive warhumping fucktards like BTD as "cherry picking." With pwoggies, actions mean nothing. Words are everything.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

That's the Pwog Calling the Liberal Cowardly!

Shorter Diggly-Wiggly:
It was those mean republubthuglicklicans that made me call myself a pwogwessive instead of a wibberal. Plus, this CNN poll proves the House health insurance bill is juuuuust right.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Pwog Bites Man!

Chris BowWow, the noisy pwogwessive poodle of the demotard party, is yapping his fuzzy little face off at the those few democratic representatives who would dare deny him his public option chew toy. Amongst those threatened with immediate replacement is Dennis Kucinich (D-Hobbiton), perhaps one of the few d-side representatives actually worthy of support:

"Off-hand, the easiest eight might be Kaptur (Progressive), Murtha (leadership), Boyd (primary challenge), Kissell (threats from donors, doesn't raise money well), Kucinich (Progressive, often faces primary challenges), Massa (Progressive), Murphy (never actually had to win a primary, still might face one) and someone."

Displaying enough gall to divide into three parts, this lackwit of the fauxgressive left states, right after his little hissy-fit hit list, that he himself is not in favor of launching mighty mighty pwogwessive primary campaigns against Kuchinich, et al. Surely not! Oh heavens, no! (But, of course, he couldn't stop anyone from doing so.)

Never mind the public option chew toy is a foul-tasting scrap of Congressional snausage. Nevermind that lameass pwoggie primaries invariably turn to shit. (Who was it that ran against Holy Joe Lieberman? Anybody?) What's really interesting is, because he's occasionally invited to some low-level DP soirees, (thanks to his astonishing ability to raise small amounts of dough from rubes on teh intartubes), BowWow is starting to believe his own press Michael Cimino-style.

And that's the point where his mental illness is our gain. It's one thing to maintain the illusion of clout, but trying to wield it is when the hilarity truly starts.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Pwoggie Bloggie Roundup - Now With EXTRA Bold Flavor

It's been a while since we roped and branded a few pwoggie doggies, so here's the health care insurance reform legislation wrap up:

Alas, A Pwog - "This is a wonderful historic landmark bill that will solve everything. Except for the Stupak amendment."

Balk the Left - "This is a wonderful historic landmark bill that will solve everything. Except for the Stupak amendment."

Diggly Wiggly - "I'm a little disapointed in my boyfriend."

Gesundheit - "This doesn't really have anything to do with me, does it?

Newspwoggers - "This is a wonderful historic landmark bill that will solve everything. Except for the Stupak amendment."


Pandadroppings - "So this Stupak amendment is really wrong and, hey, did someone just compare me to Glenn Beck? TEH OUTRAGE!!!"

Pwogman - "HRC is an imporatant, um, er, did you know that Sen Franken (D-AIPAC) can draw a map the United States from memory? Teh Awesum!"

Shake-A-Puddin - "Say, you know, I'm getting the feeling that Our Party doesn't really care about...oh look! Movies!"

Grampa - "I just heard this talking point your gonna love. (Mumbles a talking point from sometime around the Crimean War and falls asleep.)"

Lamey - "Suck Jizz Nipple Cock listen to me on Stephanie Miller!"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Happy Guy Fawkes Day, Republicrats

"God's Will" or Somebody Else's Fault

The meltdown continues at Obot Left, where the amendment failure in Maine has caused Bink to break his brain. (By George! I think he's got it!) "Maximum Leadership" Bink's conniption is a minor masterpiece of rationalization. He blames, in rough order:

  • Poor field operation decisions
  • Undecided voters
  • The DSCC
  • Organizing For America
  • The National Equality March (Big surprise.)
  • God-Emperor Obama
  • Sunspots
  • Biorhythms
  • The Economy
  • Ralph Nader
  • Attention-Deficit Disorder
  • The Brown Acid
  • Voters (in general)
  • The Jersey Devil
  • Bad Valves
  • Bad Cholesterol
  • Bad Bad Leroy Brown
  • Gypsy Curses
  • The Curse of the Bambino
  • Heather Locklear's imminent return to Melrose Place.
  • China (the country)
  • Chyna (the wrestler)
  • Swine Flu
  • The Grinch
  • Ralph Nader (again)
  • Lumberjacks
  • The White Man's Burden
  • Disappointing Box Office Returns for Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant.
  • Ernst Stavro Blofeld
  • The Dewy Decimal System
  • Dirty Greenie Hippies
  • Gansta' Rappers
  • Chupacabra
  • Fluoridation
  • Volcanic Activity
  • Styx (Especially everything after "Cornerstone")
  • Poor Ventilation
  • No socks, no shoes, no service.
  • That one guy in back who makes that whistling sound when he breathes through his nose. You know the one? Yeah, that guy.
  • Bad Cell Phone Coverage
  • Bad Grammar
  • Bad Company
  • Russian Nesting Dolls
  • The Heartbreak of Psoriasis
  • Kyser Sose
  • Leprechauns

Of course, the pwoggie's failures to date couldn't have anything to do with their suppression of movements outside of their party, could it? After all, "Maximum Leadership" and his fauxgressive friends have worked tirelessly to drive a spike into anything and everything they don't control, from the Anti-War Movement to the National Equality March. And they've been reasonably successful at it, too.

Does poisoning the well make the water undrinkable? Not if your a pwogwessive like Adam Bink. Pwogs get their water bottled, straight from the DNC and sanitized-for-their-protection. Well water is for peasants.

(Update: The hissy fit rolls on. Adam's decided his masters owe him an apology - and he might even get it if he can keep the gAyTM running. You go, Maximum Leadership!)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It's My Conspiracy And I'll Cry If I Want To

Last night's elections seem to have made several of the a-list pwogs blow a seam or two. But more on that later. For now, witness:

Shorter NewsPwoggers:

"This new TV show proves, yes proves that anyone who opposes Our Leader's policies is an insane right-wing conspiracy theory nutball! And the MSM is in on it! This is proof! Proof I tell you! Proooooooof!"

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Future of Pwogwessivism

(This ain't nothin' compared to Shake-A-Puddin.)

Every now and then, some freeper trog-with-a-computer stumbles across every pwogwessive's fave-rave personality cult Shake-A-Puddin' and, in a fit of disorientation, hurls a brickbat or two on his own blog before passing out from his diet of Moonpies and SlimJims.

This may sound like a bad thing, but it's not. Indeed, if this didn't happen occasionally, Melissa would have to invent them. These incidents provide our Intarweb Goddess an opportunity to garner some much needed adulation by proving how horribly persecuted and terrorized she is to her weepy cat-picture-posting mass of nostalgia besotted followers. Here's just a sample of the worship Melissa demands of her "Shakies":


((hugs)) You are a diamond in a muddy world...

Melissa, you shine like a bright deed in a weary world. (Ed. - This is, believe it or not, a Willy Wonka reference.)

You're so incredibly brave.

I wish you all the warmest hugs and I just... I'm so glad you are as you are.

You're awesome. Truly.

You're quite inspirational, if you didn't already know that.

People with amazing special abilities never feel they're special themselves, because
from the inside, it doesn't feel like anything amazing: it's just how you are.

My eternal and profound thanks to you, and everyone who helps you, for this space,
this content, this sense of tolerance and belonging.

You're wonderful and lovely and strong.

I can't thank you enough for everything.

You give my love a reason to keep going.

Thank you. Your writing and this space are a light shining.

Truly, this happens every time someone says something mean about Melissa and/or Shake-A-Puddin' on Teh Intarwebs. I'm not kidding! Every time some jerk(s) mouth off on a message board, Melissa posts it up on her site and immediately receives the kind of mindlessly reflexive praise that Sun Yung Moon would give his left holy testicle to inspire in his followers. With fanaticism like this, how can poor Emperor Obama compete?