Can't...resist...meme...too...strong...

Second Verse, Same As The First

(4 Moar Yrs Plskthnx!)

Here we go again, cats 'n kittens. Not a week in to the new year and already pwog access bloggers are gearing up for our 2012 election suckfest. Kicking off the festivities - an inevitable round of articles posing: 'Whutarewegonnadooooo?' (You know, "Whither the Democratic Party" and shit.) These get posted ever couple years as a first step of pwog celebs gently leading their fauxgressive flock to an inevitable answer - "More and Better Dems!" (Full points for recycling, guize. But -9000 points for style.)

Combining recent crumbs thrown to them by God-Emperor Hopey McChangey Sparkle Pony with the usual wishful thinking, scaremongering and logic so tortured you could call it a Saw flick; our fearless bunch of quivering bootlicks will soon be peddling this Meatloaf of Fail as their reason to give The Other War Party another four years in which to screw up the world. Prime example: Obot Left's "Sure We Bombed Several Thousand Afghan Children Into A Red Mist This Year, But - Hey! Lilly Ledbetter!"

The only semi-original attempt to keep the access gravy train going has come from Nader-bashing veterans Newspwoggers, who've adopted a hi-larious "Wait Until 2020!" strategy to keep the left in line. Sure! Let's sit on our thumbs for a few more years while (brb, thesaurus) Ciceronian councils of patience flow forth from their pwoggie panegyrics (ha!) Can calls to sign up with the Working Families Party (the Dem version of the Tea Party) be far behind?

(Update - Pwogman! issues hit list! Steve the Wonder D dispatched to, er, dispatch disloyal dems! Representatives quake in fear! Who will be next???)

How the Average American Looks At Europe

I kan haz reeding comprehenshun?

Courtesy of Google's new "reading level" search app, we at DGH are consoled that we are slightly less dumb than Queen Diggy. (*facepalm!*)




























Update: Moar smartypants...

If a pwog falls in the forrest...

Fauxgressives luvs them some "internet activism." It allows them to pretend they're engaging in meaningful political action while never having to leave the warm 'n cozy comfort of their local Starbucks. Of course, "internet activism" has the same relationship to real activism as Wii Sports has to real athletics (not-a-fucking-thing) but don't be a lulz killer and tell them that. Otherwise we wouldn't get hilarious blog posts like: Open Letter to the Left Establishment: Pre-Post-Mortem over at soon-to-be-punted-to-the-Pwoggie-Bloggie-list, Corrente.

The post is a tl:dr catalog of butthurt over fauxgressive non-reaction to the titular Open Letter, which is itself a tepid plea to famous fauxgressives from slightly-less-famous faugressives to be a little less, well, fauxgressive. So far, this mighty effort has garnered less than the number of e-signatures on the latest 'Continue "Firefly" Petition' and elicited exactly zero responses from the targeted Obot celebs. (With the exception of Katrina (party)van dem Eggs who was overheard in the offices of 'La Nation' laughing wildly over the petition.)

Fortunately, our feckless pwogwessives don't have the first fucking clue where to look for real opposition to the Empire. Though some pwogs have begun baaaaw-ing at on-line resistance groups, they're still blissfully clueless when it comes to IRL. I, for one, hope they stay that way.

The End of the World as We Know It

(Lord of the Rings 4 - Return of the Pwogs)

Apres election, Diggy has been in full-blown-gonzo butthurt meltdown mode. Yet, while mourning the losses of her filthy warmongering corporate-owned party, the Democrat Drahma Queen is also listening to more right wing media than the average John Bircher. 'Why would anyone torture herself like that?' I hear you ask. 'Easy.' You hear me answer. Diggy's breathlessly waiting to hear Sarah Palin order her minions to go forth and wipe out liberals Rwanda-style:

"But this daily ranting about the evil of liberalism and the inhumanity of liberals seems to finally be reaching some sort of critical mass in which those on the right who hear nothing but this sort of raving all day long have come to believe that liberals -- not liberalism -- must be eliminated."

Of course, Diggy goes on to mitigate her hysterical (-ly funneh!) statement in the next sentence. (Like most passive-aggressive pwogs, Diggy doesn't actually mean anything she writes because that would be too much like making a stand.) Yet here she is, trying to sell visions of Beckian hoards storming out of the flyover states to besiege the gates of her gated California community Minas Tirith-style.

Is Diggy tuning in to assclowns like Limbaugh and Beck on an hourly basis to somehow deaden the agony of defeat? Is she already trying to scare her fauxgressive followers into action for 2012? Your guess is as good as mine.

Your Daily Lulz

Click on the pic for Mike Flugennock's deadly (accurate) political cartoons and insightful commentary.

Rationalization-A-Palooza!

Having been pounded in the latest round of ballot box stuffing, our little herd of pwoggie moo cows is in rough shape. They've got a dilemma. Our brave access bloggers must rationalize to their demotard fans their corporate warmongering party's loss to the other corporate warmongering party! The intarweb pwog faithful must be keep in line, but how? This is serious business! A lot of PayPal donations, interviews with minor administration flacks and Nutroots Nation seats are riding on this. Here's the "shorter" rationalization roundup:

Balk the Left - 'Our Team lost because of the economy and stupid stupid voters!' Plus this gem from the exasperated comments section:

"But take healthcare reform alone: how on any planet can that be argued as incremental? Even it's detractors on the left acknowledged that it was the most material progressive societal policy change since the Depression."

Bwa!

Bibbitybobbityboo - 'Our Team lost because of the economy and stupid stupid old people!'

Extreeeeeem Obot - 'BETRAYAL! MURDER! FIREBAGGERS MADE US LOSE! DAMN YOU HAMSHER AND GREENWAAAAAALD! But it's all part of natures great cycle so I'm not worried. Nope. Not at all. DAAAAAAAMN YOUUUUUU SUSIE MANDRAKE!!!'

Gesundheit - 'We lost because of the bad economy. My master didn't know we would lose because of the bad economy. I could have told my master we would lose because of the bad economy but I was at the vet that day. Woof. '

Newspwoggers - 'I'm too depressed to make excuses for my democrat masters and betters right now - so here's what everyone else thinks.'

Obot Left - Of course it's obvious we won even though we lost.

Pwogman! - 'We lost because stupid white people didn't vote for our team. We must move our party to the right!'

Shakes the Democrat - [Shakes channeling "Eros" from Plan Nine From Outer Space] 'You see? You see? You stupid voters and your stupid minds! Now we're doomed! DOOMED I tell you! Stupid! Stupid!'

The Lame Gimmick Pundit - 'You see? You see? You stupid voters and your stupid m...wait, did someone do this bit already? Dammit!'

The Panderdome - 'Racist homophobic old white people stole the election from us. But I have a cunning plan. We'll out live them!'

Wabbit Season

"Or we'll all be killed in our beds!"

I'm proud to report that the mid-term elections have driven our herd of pwoggie bloggers into a veritable frenzy of butthurt and fail. Having absolutely nada to run on, pwogwessive strategery this season is equal parts scaremongering, lesser-evilism and, well, nothing else. Here's the lulz:

Item: Shakes the Democrat (trigger warning for spinelessness) has shocked the world by announcing her intention to vote straight D ticket. The lameass excuse this time is she's an "economy voter" and not, apparently, a preening self-righteous asshole with a small inbred cult of ass-kissing drama queens.

Item: Pwogman! is in full Angry German Kid mode, obsessively issuing sneering pronouncements of immanent doom from the Fortress of Pwogitude with the kind of ferocity usually exhibited by apsie-afflicted teenage WOW players.

Item: Is there really any reason to check out Alas, a pwog anymore? He's far too busy flogging his dreary comic book to bring the demotard boot-licking which has brought us so many lulz in the past. If his mission to bore the shit out of kids is going take precedence over ineptly (and hilariously) shilling for the D half of the corporate war party, there's a whole galaxy of pwog bloggers that could take his place.

Item: You know it's the silly season when Diggy turns off her comments. As per orders she's running scaaaary tea party Youtube vids 24/7, as is AmandaPander, Obot Left and the other listserv pwog blogs.

Item: Extreme Obot has turned up his unique blend of mindless cheer leading and paranoia to 11. (Though he seems to have changed the target of his limb-flailing tantrums from The Jane Hampster Firebagger Band Experience to Glenn Greenwald's Pwoggie Puppet Show.)

Item: For the most part Lamey has dropped his oh-so-edgy naughty word schtick and has taken up...wait for it...boringass fauxgressive pronouncements of doom! Lamey, I know your original act wore out like a cheap suit but, please, let Booman do Booman.

Dissention In The Ranks

In his minds-eye, Pwogman! secretly thinks he looks just like this. Srsly. Lulz.

Recently the libertarians had the pleasant experience of having their Tea Party movement co-opted by the GOP. Now, in the wake of an undeniablely fascist scent wafting from the corporate-owned-and-operated Obama administration, are the pwogs who put him in office admist hosannas and rainbows now distancing themselves by trying to rebrand themselves as "Hippies?" Let's sift the clues...

Item: Does Pwogman! - the pwoggiest pwog who ever pwogged a pwog, know what his sidekick Stevie the Wonder D is doing?

Pwogman! has always been a super-demotard hippie puncher, super-railing against anyone to the left of Nixon in his corporate-owned toxic-landfill-of-a-party. Hilariously, he seems to think of himself in the "hippie" camp despite the fact that he's rooted so firmly on the corporate beltway side you couldn't pry him up with a tractor and a stick of TNT. And yet here's his scrappy little sidekick trying to reconcile a spat between faux-liberal democrat Jane Hamper and right-wing DLCer 'Ol Juan King Cole!

Is Stevie the Wonder D going to get the boot from the Fortress of Pwogitude? How long will it be before Pwogman! is looking for another sidekick? Tune in tomorrow! Same pwog time! Same pwog channel!

Item: Democrat Dave Anderson, one of the fearfulless pwoggie NewsPwoggers, seems to think of himself as a "hippie" too! Here's a clue for ya, Dave. If you voted for the God-Emperor - YOU'RE NOT A HIPPIE. DUMBASS.

Item: Even ace thanksralpher and think tank reject Diggles is fretting over all this so-called "hippie punching" - helpfully providing us with a history or the term through the centuries so filled with bullshit you'd think you were standing in the middle of an industrial feedlot.

Item: At least DNC insider Dr. Rosenrosen of Obot Left is sticking to his guns, ridiculing the very idea of doing anything outside of the sacred Democratic Party. (Harrumph!) He's (not very successfully) trying to use an already antiquated 4chan meme to paint all those annoying third party hippies as "Underpants Gnomes." Paging Dr. Rosenrosen - Ur l33t haxxor ski!!z r teh gey!!1!

Item: Speaking of lame attempts at humor, the Democratic Party bootlick called The Lame Gimmick Pundit has called forth from it's hoary grave the LOLcats meme to help explain away a weeks worth of his parties pettifoggery. What's next? Dancing Baby? Star Wars Kid? Pirates vs Ninjas? Your failures, let me show you them.

Random Item Wednesday

"Voooooote Oooooboooomba!"

Item - Has pwogwessive princess Diggly turned off comments to quell a brewing revolt on Bibbitybobbityboo? The Democrat Doyenne's angsty brand of lesser-evilism hasn't been mollifying the suckers like it used to. Some of her less dim fans have even tumbled to her transparently manipulative "lookit the wingnut" scaremongering. What's a listserv liberal to do?

Item - Exweeeeeme Wibberal has found a guest blogger even dumber than himself! Take a big steaming gawp at "Staci" - a regular Wibberal groupie and Obot in good standing who is wondering why anyone would say her God-Emperor's stimulus didn't work. And why don't all those icky poor people just change stockbrokers? I mean, everyone has a 401K, right? So there's no reason not to get rich, is there?

Item - Forging forth at the far-flung frontiers of fauxgressive cluelessness, The Lame Gimmick Pundit ought to win some kind of award for this awesomely stupid statement:

Fuck anyone who says this is "playing politics." It's the Congress. Politics are always at play. You either support something or you don't, especially when it comes to fundamental rights.(emphasis mine)

Isn't that marvelous? But it begs the question - how does Lamey live with that much cognitive dissonance clanging around in his skull? Is Lamey some kind of new pwoggie mutation?

Item - Oh noes! Dave Sirota is crying fauxgressive foul on freeper super-freak Eric Erickson! Democrat Dave's dilemma? He stole my book cover! I ask you - is there no honor left in publishing business?!?

Item - The Fortress of Pwogitude is in full campaign mode - and Pwogwessive superhero Pwogman! and his sidekick Stevie Dee are blasting away at their arch-nemesis supervillian. 'The Republicans?' I hear you query. 'Super Karl Rove?' No! It's the stupid, stupid Voters!

While Pwogman! excoriates the War Party for actually pandering to it's base (teh horrors!) Sidekick Steve aims his formidable ire at the those gullible, dumb, stupid dumbhead Americans too stupid and dumb to support the Other War Party. Watch for a super-fit of super-apoplexy if the midterms don't go their way.

A Letter Back From America

Josh (and friend) at a 'Save the Tiger' rally in Kabul
"Anyone know where I can find the anti-war movement?"

Dear Josh in Kabul,

Just read your "sloppy rant" over at NewsPwoggers. A few brief points, if I may:

1. You have no fucking clue what (or who) "the left" is. I dunno, maybe it's because you're a lameass democrat. (Don't even bother pretending your not, Josh. Don't even try to tell me you're some kind of vague-ass "independent" who just happens to flack for lesser-evil Democrats. Don't waste the electrons. Srsly.) Maybe you think you or some faction of your corporate-owned blood-soaked corruption-riddled party is "the left." It isn't, of course. Which brings us to...

B. ...the "anti-war movement." No part of your party constitutes, in any way, shape or form, even the most minutest tiniest teensy-weensyest part of the anti-war movement. Your party drove a fucking spike through the old anti-war movement back in 2004. It's dead, Jim. It's deader than Van Jones' career. The anti-war movement that's grown up since then, well, I doubt it's even a blip on your Washington Consensus Radar. That's just as well, really.

III. If/When you do get back from your little Kabul field trip, and by some massive stroke of misfortune you do figure out what groups constitute the left and the anti-war movement, do us all a favor. Stay as far as fucking away as you can manage. You're party is fucking toxic, Josh. Everything you and your foundation funded think tank corporate demotard flunkies touch turns to absolute shit. You know how Afghanistan is called "the graveyard of empires?" Well your party, the Democrat Party, is the fabulous fabled elephants graveyard of social movements. So stay in your bullshit job, make fauxgressives feel good about giving money to your DP bosses, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY.

Luv,

-Alan Smithee

Beaten to the Punch & Judy

I was going to write a little something about the up 'n coming bi-annual flurry of ballot box stuffing and unwarranted optimism we laughingly call 'an election.' But Charles Davis not only beat me to it, he also did it a miles better than me. Go and read this antidote to the usual election year drivel pushed by the pwoggie blogs.

A Wolf In Pwog Clothing?

(Extreme Obot?)

Fellow pwogwranglers, I may have been hornswoggled! The cumulative time spent reading Extreme Obot's blog has left me thinking he's running a clever parody blog Colbert-style. How else can one explain this:

"While that small but very vocal minority of Obama-haters keep chattering on, our awesome President keeps doing what he said he would do and delivering on his promises. Washington pundits don’t know how to act when someone actually does what they say and doesn’t let the media push them around with poll results. Keep it up, “Prez”, you’re doing an excellent job."

By itself this paragraph doesn't mean much. You can find similar on any of the pwoggie blogs. But the sheer amount of blind Obama worship! The vituperative hatred spat at anyone who dares to criticize the God-Emperor! Even the gawd-awful industrial gray look of the page begs the question - could even the most sycophantic demotard come up with a blog that repulsive?

Big Fish Eating Little Fish

Item - Chris Bowwow, the DNC lapdog, is bailing on his little foundation funded fauxgressive Obot Left site. Did the grant money run out? Who knows. But now he'll be wagging his tail in a specially made (and specially paid) kennel at DailyKult (aka 'the Great Orange Satan') as per a weepy goodbye post at Obot Left.

"But the plants will die without you!" wail the disconsolate dembots in the comments. Well, sure, but they're all plastic plants anyway - as befits an astroturf site like Obot Left. The only question left is - who's gonna feed Rosenberg his daily dose of DNC talking points? Who's gonna empty Sirota's drool bucket? And what about Scarecrow's brain?!

A sad, sad day for pwoggiedom

Mystery Matt's last known photo

That bastion of journalistic excellence, Progressive Reports Now, has published a shocking transcript of what may very well be the last interview of A-list pwoggie bloggie doggie / Hah-vad dipshit Matt Yglesias.

Our spies whisper that, in the course of an interview with ace fictional reporter Amber Milgram, every fauxgressives fave-rave fuckhead went into a ferocious feeding frenzy, consuming part of Amber's desk, some recording equipment and a passing office temp before lapsing into a coma-like state.

Reportedly, the last words of the professional bootlick were: "God...Dog...Krugman..."

No one at Yglesias' employer, DNC propaganda spewer Twink Pwogwess is talking - but rumors of his condition are multiplying like rabbits on meth. Some say he's dead. Some say he's still in a coma. Some say his head has been severed, placed in an ice cream bucket, frozen and shot into orbit. Some say he's been ground to a fine powder, shipped to China and sold as insect repellent. Some say he was only a couple of dogs in a man-suit to begin with.

Where in the word is Matt ? Who knows. But whatever the truth is, our crack DGH staff will keep updating this story as news, rumor and innuendo roll in.

Tuesday Pwoggie Roundup - Move 'em out, pwoghide!

("Ooooooutrage.")

Teh intarwebs was gifted today with a jar of Instant Hilarity, courtesy of White House Press Fellator-In-Chief Bobby Gibbs. The faugressive moo-cow reaction to his stampy little hissy fit was immediate and immediately hilarious. Here's the roundup:

Alas, A Pwog - "You know what's really important? Fat kids."

Balk the Left - {Okay, how can I soft peddle this so my pwoggies don't spin out of control like last time?} "Here's a thread and another and another DONE! Controversy over! Now find something else to talk about."

Bibbidybobbidyboo - "OMG look at the wingnuts! How could anyone not vote democrat after seeing these tea party racists who are so racist and insane?"

Extweeeeeeeem! - "The TARP bailout was signed by teh Bush! I have proof! Our God-Emperor is holy and blameless and perfect in every way! All Hail the God-Emperor!"

Gesundheit - "Hahaha. That Gibbs - what a card. Hahaha. Ha."

Newspwoggers - "Hi. I haven't got the foggiest fucking clue about US foreign policy, military strategy or history in general. But, hey, I might get a chair at nutroots nation if spew coherent-sounding bibble-babble long enough!"

Obot Left - "Hey! Watch out! Doesn't the White House know we're SWING VOTERS? We might not vote Democrat next time, ya know! And now I'm going to ignore thirty years of history and present my proof. Exit polls! Haha! My logic is infallible!"

Pwogman! - "I know just how Gibbs feels. Damn those progressives who don't listen to me and think the way I tell them to! Damn them!"

Shakes the Democrat - "Teh Outrage! Worship me, shakies! (And remember, I'll banish anyone who disagrees with me!)"

Shakes' Comments Section - "We worship you! We worship you!"

Grampa Institution - "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

Lamey - "My taxes pay your salary, Gibbs! So watch out! Oh, and, uh, Fuck You! Yeah, that's it! Boy am I edgy!"

Panderdome - "I'm not a hippie, and I'll always support the Democratic Party of America no matter what they do, but I'm still offended. But the point is, my taxes pays Gibbs salary! How dare he!"

Extreme Liberal (actual photo)

Update: Correctly assuming that her pwoggie bloggie followers aren't much different from her dog, and thus won't get excited if she doesn't get excited, Diggy emerges from her gated community to pronounce: "Eh. No big deal.")

Son of Update: Making up for lost time, rising pwog-dog star Extreeeeeeeeem Wibberal twirls with delight, his little tail wagging like a metronome on overdrive, straining at the leash to personally lick Bobby Gibbs boots. Three posts and counting! ("Fuckington Post?" Really?)

Update 3 - in 3D!: And the prize for the most nauseating Obot apologia goes to cringing democrat toady Mike Lux at Obot Left for bragging about his work on reconciling pwoggies and union dupes to the wonders of NAFTA. (Hey, fuckhead, I've got 2 million landless Mexican farmers who'd like to have a word with you, you fucking shithead.)

Super-Duper Good Job Music Video Sunday Part Planck's Constant

Let's wind up our little hit parade with Outernational's latest, a cover of Woody Guthrie's classic "Deportees." This last one goes out to The Lame Gimick Pundit for eagerly sucking the toes of every corporate-owned democrat since Carter. Give it a rest, Lamey:

Super-Duper Good Job Music Video Sunday Part Eleventy

This isn't a music video, but I'm gonna dedicate it anyway so stop me if you can. It's a trailer for the 1982 sci-fi geek film "Tron" done in 1960's Saul Bass style. Crazy, baby.

Tron vs. Saul Bass from Hexagonall on Vimeo.

Oh, and here's Saul Bass vs. Lost in a kind of beach blanket bingo style. Dedicated to Lost fan Shakes the Democrat and all her icky bobblehead cultists. Teaspoon this:

Lost vs. Saul Bass from Hexagonall on Vimeo.

Super-Duper Good Job Music Video Sunday Part Dos

SuperPwog Pwogman! has been on raging tiny-fisted tantrum in his fortress of Pwogitude, directing his ire 'gainst the forces of, to paraphrase, 'dirty lefty concern troll purity pure purists' or something like that. What-the-fuck is going on in Pwogmans! little demotard head remains a mystery, but lets see if we can't cool him off a bit with a little Marvin Gaye: