Rationalization-A-Palooza!

Having been pounded in the latest round of ballot box stuffing, our little herd of pwoggie moo cows is in rough shape. They've got a dilemma. Our brave access bloggers must rationalize to their demotard fans their corporate warmongering party's loss to the other corporate warmongering party! The intarweb pwog faithful must be keep in line, but how? This is serious business! A lot of PayPal donations, interviews with minor administration flacks and Nutroots Nation seats are riding on this. Here's the "shorter" rationalization roundup:

Balk the Left - 'Our Team lost because of the economy and stupid stupid voters!' Plus this gem from the exasperated comments section:

"But take healthcare reform alone: how on any planet can that be argued as incremental? Even it's detractors on the left acknowledged that it was the most material progressive societal policy change since the Depression."

Bwa!

Bibbitybobbityboo - 'Our Team lost because of the economy and stupid stupid old people!'

Extreeeeeem Obot - 'BETRAYAL! MURDER! FIREBAGGERS MADE US LOSE! DAMN YOU HAMSHER AND GREENWAAAAAALD! But it's all part of natures great cycle so I'm not worried. Nope. Not at all. DAAAAAAAMN YOUUUUUU SUSIE MANDRAKE!!!'

Gesundheit - 'We lost because of the bad economy. My master didn't know we would lose because of the bad economy. I could have told my master we would lose because of the bad economy but I was at the vet that day. Woof. '

Newspwoggers - 'I'm too depressed to make excuses for my democrat masters and betters right now - so here's what everyone else thinks.'

Obot Left - Of course it's obvious we won even though we lost.

Pwogman! - 'We lost because stupid white people didn't vote for our team. We must move our party to the right!'

Shakes the Democrat - [Shakes channeling "Eros" from Plan Nine From Outer Space] 'You see? You see? You stupid voters and your stupid minds! Now we're doomed! DOOMED I tell you! Stupid! Stupid!'

The Lame Gimmick Pundit - 'You see? You see? You stupid voters and your stupid m...wait, did someone do this bit already? Dammit!'

The Panderdome - 'Racist homophobic old white people stole the election from us. But I have a cunning plan. We'll out live them!'

Wabbit Season

"Or we'll all be killed in our beds!"

I'm proud to report that the mid-term elections have driven our herd of pwoggie bloggers into a veritable frenzy of butthurt and fail. Having absolutely nada to run on, pwogwessive strategery this season is equal parts scaremongering, lesser-evilism and, well, nothing else. Here's the lulz:

Item: Shakes the Democrat (trigger warning for spinelessness) has shocked the world by announcing her intention to vote straight D ticket. The lameass excuse this time is she's an "economy voter" and not, apparently, a preening self-righteous asshole with a small inbred cult of ass-kissing drama queens.

Item: Pwogman! is in full Angry German Kid mode, obsessively issuing sneering pronouncements of immanent doom from the Fortress of Pwogitude with the kind of ferocity usually exhibited by apsie-afflicted teenage WOW players.

Item: Is there really any reason to check out Alas, a pwog anymore? He's far too busy flogging his dreary comic book to bring the demotard boot-licking which has brought us so many lulz in the past. If his mission to bore the shit out of kids is going take precedence over ineptly (and hilariously) shilling for the D half of the corporate war party, there's a whole galaxy of pwog bloggers that could take his place.

Item: You know it's the silly season when Diggy turns off her comments. As per orders she's running scaaaary tea party Youtube vids 24/7, as is AmandaPander, Obot Left and the other listserv pwog blogs.

Item: Extreme Obot has turned up his unique blend of mindless cheer leading and paranoia to 11. (Though he seems to have changed the target of his limb-flailing tantrums from The Jane Hampster Firebagger Band Experience to Glenn Greenwald's Pwoggie Puppet Show.)

Item: For the most part Lamey has dropped his oh-so-edgy naughty word schtick and has taken up...wait for it...boringass fauxgressive pronouncements of doom! Lamey, I know your original act wore out like a cheap suit but, please, let Booman do Booman.

Dissention In The Ranks

In his minds-eye, Pwogman! secretly thinks he looks just like this. Srsly. Lulz.

Recently the libertarians had the pleasant experience of having their Tea Party movement co-opted by the GOP. Now, in the wake of an undeniablely fascist scent wafting from the corporate-owned-and-operated Obama administration, are the pwogs who put him in office admist hosannas and rainbows now distancing themselves by trying to rebrand themselves as "Hippies?" Let's sift the clues...

Item: Does Pwogman! - the pwoggiest pwog who ever pwogged a pwog, know what his sidekick Stevie the Wonder D is doing?

Pwogman! has always been a super-demotard hippie puncher, super-railing against anyone to the left of Nixon in his corporate-owned toxic-landfill-of-a-party. Hilariously, he seems to think of himself in the "hippie" camp despite the fact that he's rooted so firmly on the corporate beltway side you couldn't pry him up with a tractor and a stick of TNT. And yet here's his scrappy little sidekick trying to reconcile a spat between faux-liberal democrat Jane Hamper and right-wing DLCer 'Ol Juan King Cole!

Is Stevie the Wonder D going to get the boot from the Fortress of Pwogitude? How long will it be before Pwogman! is looking for another sidekick? Tune in tomorrow! Same pwog time! Same pwog channel!

Item: Democrat Dave Anderson, one of the fearfulless pwoggie NewsPwoggers, seems to think of himself as a "hippie" too! Here's a clue for ya, Dave. If you voted for the God-Emperor - YOU'RE NOT A HIPPIE. DUMBASS.

Item: Even ace thanksralpher and think tank reject Diggles is fretting over all this so-called "hippie punching" - helpfully providing us with a history or the term through the centuries so filled with bullshit you'd think you were standing in the middle of an industrial feedlot.

Item: At least DNC insider Dr. Rosenrosen of Obot Left is sticking to his guns, ridiculing the very idea of doing anything outside of the sacred Democratic Party. (Harrumph!) He's (not very successfully) trying to use an already antiquated 4chan meme to paint all those annoying third party hippies as "Underpants Gnomes." Paging Dr. Rosenrosen - Ur l33t haxxor ski!!z r teh gey!!1!

Item: Speaking of lame attempts at humor, the Democratic Party bootlick called The Lame Gimmick Pundit has called forth from it's hoary grave the LOLcats meme to help explain away a weeks worth of his parties pettifoggery. What's next? Dancing Baby? Star Wars Kid? Pirates vs Ninjas? Your failures, let me show you them.

Random Item Wednesday

"Voooooote Oooooboooomba!"

Item - Has pwogwessive princess Diggly turned off comments to quell a brewing revolt on Bibbitybobbityboo? The Democrat Doyenne's angsty brand of lesser-evilism hasn't been mollifying the suckers like it used to. Some of her less dim fans have even tumbled to her transparently manipulative "lookit the wingnut" scaremongering. What's a listserv liberal to do?

Item - Exweeeeeme Wibberal has found a guest blogger even dumber than himself! Take a big steaming gawp at "Staci" - a regular Wibberal groupie and Obot in good standing who is wondering why anyone would say her God-Emperor's stimulus didn't work. And why don't all those icky poor people just change stockbrokers? I mean, everyone has a 401K, right? So there's no reason not to get rich, is there?

Item - Forging forth at the far-flung frontiers of fauxgressive cluelessness, The Lame Gimmick Pundit ought to win some kind of award for this awesomely stupid statement:

Fuck anyone who says this is "playing politics." It's the Congress. Politics are always at play. You either support something or you don't, especially when it comes to fundamental rights.(emphasis mine)

Isn't that marvelous? But it begs the question - how does Lamey live with that much cognitive dissonance clanging around in his skull? Is Lamey some kind of new pwoggie mutation?

Item - Oh noes! Dave Sirota is crying fauxgressive foul on freeper super-freak Eric Erickson! Democrat Dave's dilemma? He stole my book cover! I ask you - is there no honor left in publishing business?!?

Item - The Fortress of Pwogitude is in full campaign mode - and Pwogwessive superhero Pwogman! and his sidekick Stevie Dee are blasting away at their arch-nemesis supervillian. 'The Republicans?' I hear you query. 'Super Karl Rove?' No! It's the stupid, stupid Voters!

While Pwogman! excoriates the War Party for actually pandering to it's base (teh horrors!) Sidekick Steve aims his formidable ire at the those gullible, dumb, stupid dumbhead Americans too stupid and dumb to support the Other War Party. Watch for a super-fit of super-apoplexy if the midterms don't go their way.

A Letter Back From America

Josh (and friend) at a 'Save the Tiger' rally in Kabul
"Anyone know where I can find the anti-war movement?"

Dear Josh in Kabul,

Just read your "sloppy rant" over at NewsPwoggers. A few brief points, if I may:

1. You have no fucking clue what (or who) "the left" is. I dunno, maybe it's because you're a lameass democrat. (Don't even bother pretending your not, Josh. Don't even try to tell me you're some kind of vague-ass "independent" who just happens to flack for lesser-evil Democrats. Don't waste the electrons. Srsly.) Maybe you think you or some faction of your corporate-owned blood-soaked corruption-riddled party is "the left." It isn't, of course. Which brings us to...

B. ...the "anti-war movement." No part of your party constitutes, in any way, shape or form, even the most minutest tiniest teensy-weensyest part of the anti-war movement. Your party drove a fucking spike through the old anti-war movement back in 2004. It's dead, Jim. It's deader than Van Jones' career. The anti-war movement that's grown up since then, well, I doubt it's even a blip on your Washington Consensus Radar. That's just as well, really.

III. If/When you do get back from your little Kabul field trip, and by some massive stroke of misfortune you do figure out what groups constitute the left and the anti-war movement, do us all a favor. Stay as far as fucking away as you can manage. You're party is fucking toxic, Josh. Everything you and your foundation funded think tank corporate demotard flunkies touch turns to absolute shit. You know how Afghanistan is called "the graveyard of empires?" Well your party, the Democrat Party, is the fabulous fabled elephants graveyard of social movements. So stay in your bullshit job, make fauxgressives feel good about giving money to your DP bosses, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY.

Luv,

-Alan Smithee

Beaten to the Punch & Judy

I was going to write a little something about the up 'n coming bi-annual flurry of ballot box stuffing and unwarranted optimism we laughingly call 'an election.' But Charles Davis not only beat me to it, he also did it a miles better than me. Go and read this antidote to the usual election year drivel pushed by the pwoggie blogs.

A Wolf In Pwog Clothing?

(Extreme Obot?)

Fellow pwogwranglers, I may have been hornswoggled! The cumulative time spent reading Extreme Obot's blog has left me thinking he's running a clever parody blog Colbert-style. How else can one explain this:

"While that small but very vocal minority of Obama-haters keep chattering on, our awesome President keeps doing what he said he would do and delivering on his promises. Washington pundits don’t know how to act when someone actually does what they say and doesn’t let the media push them around with poll results. Keep it up, “Prez”, you’re doing an excellent job."

By itself this paragraph doesn't mean much. You can find similar on any of the pwoggie blogs. But the sheer amount of blind Obama worship! The vituperative hatred spat at anyone who dares to criticize the God-Emperor! Even the gawd-awful industrial gray look of the page begs the question - could even the most sycophantic demotard come up with a blog that repulsive?