Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Future of Pwogwessivism

(This ain't nothin' compared to Shake-A-Puddin.)

Every now and then, some freeper trog-with-a-computer stumbles across every pwogwessive's fave-rave personality cult Shake-A-Puddin' and, in a fit of disorientation, hurls a brickbat or two on his own blog before passing out from his diet of Moonpies and SlimJims.

This may sound like a bad thing, but it's not. Indeed, if this didn't happen occasionally, Melissa would have to invent them. These incidents provide our Intarweb Goddess an opportunity to garner some much needed adulation by proving how horribly persecuted and terrorized she is to her weepy cat-picture-posting mass of nostalgia besotted followers. Here's just a sample of the worship Melissa demands of her "Shakies":


((hugs)) You are a diamond in a muddy world...

Melissa, you shine like a bright deed in a weary world. (Ed. - This is, believe it or not, a Willy Wonka reference.)

You're so incredibly brave.

I wish you all the warmest hugs and I just... I'm so glad you are as you are.

You're awesome. Truly.

You're quite inspirational, if you didn't already know that.

People with amazing special abilities never feel they're special themselves, because
from the inside, it doesn't feel like anything amazing: it's just how you are.

My eternal and profound thanks to you, and everyone who helps you, for this space,
this content, this sense of tolerance and belonging.

You're wonderful and lovely and strong.

I can't thank you enough for everything.

You give my love a reason to keep going.

Thank you. Your writing and this space are a light shining.

Truly, this happens every time someone says something mean about Melissa and/or Shake-A-Puddin' on Teh Intarwebs. I'm not kidding! Every time some jerk(s) mouth off on a message board, Melissa posts it up on her site and immediately receives the kind of mindlessly reflexive praise that Sun Yung Moon would give his left holy testicle to inspire in his followers. With fanaticism like this, how can poor Emperor Obama compete?


  1. This is your brain on acid. Any questions?

    (That photo is just plain creepy).

  2. Melissa or Oboama, which is Jim Jones-ier?

  3. [shrug] I think I just mentioned this over yonder at SMBIVA, but I really don't care if people want to tailor their blog so they only get a certain type of person in. Blogs are kind of like neighborhood bars that way: whatever floats your boat. If I check it out and it's not really my thing (and I did check out Shakes a couple of times last year), I just don't go back.

    That said, yeah, all the personality Olympics are dull, dull, dull. Well, if I knew any of the people in question personally, maybe they'd provide more entertainment... but even that's an awfully big "if" these days.

  4. Yeah, you're probably right, Ms X. It's just that high level of groupthink required to post at Shake-A-Puddin' that gets up my nose. Besides, if a person is looking for a personality cult to join, how demented would s/he have to be to choose Melissa?

  5. re: High-Density Ick


    Goddammit, man; you just broke my Smarm-O-Meter.

  6. Damn, second one this week! Sorry, Mike.