Monday, August 31, 2009

A Return To Normalcy

Does anyone else find it just a wee bit unseemly that the public lamentation over Senator Three-Months-Suspended went on longer than that for Mother Goddamn Theresa? It went on so long, and the pwoggie blogs became so desperate for something, anything to post about Sainted Senator DateRape, that they started eating each other. Alas, a pwog was nibbling Shake-A-Puddin. Balk the Left was snacking on Diggly Wiggly. Yuck! Seriously, I've seen zombie movies with less cannibalism.

Well, finally it looks like some of our fauxgressive friends have successfully blogged their way through their grief and are moving on other important issues. Pwogman!, for instance, has used his super-duper powers of pwoggie reasoning to come to the startling conclusion that the Washington Post may not be quite the bastion of impartial journalism he thought it was. Heavens to Murgatroyd! The NewsPwoggers, Gesundheit and Shakey have gone back to playing "Lookit the Wingnuts." And even Mo'Betta Bowers has gone back to making empty threats to his masters over the healthcare debacle. (Relax, Chris! You'll get some kind of shitty "public option" you can fob off on your moron followers as "the greatest progressive victory ever in the history of history" or some such nonsense.)

Let's just hope that some other antediluvian scumbag doesn't keel over for awhile. Anybody know how Bob Byrd is doing?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

In Praise of Dead Creeps

The Lame Pundit (artists conception)

Another day, another brick in the boot-lick demotard alter to Senator Wormfood. While our troops bravely machinegun medical clinics in The Good War, let's see what nauseating paeans our faugressive friends have penned to their Sainted Senator...

Alas, a pwog - Finally joining the chorus of perpetually kneeling sore-throated psalm singers, Alas scores only a 2.5 on the Craven Toadying Meter. Celebrate the crumbs, excuse away the crimes, this one's been done already, Jeff. Better luck next time.

Balk the Left - Fellating a dead man has made Big Turd Democrat go a little hoarse. He's been reduced to cribbing from DNC rag La Nation and relying on his bloggie minions.

Diggly Wiggly - The one-stop-shop for all things groveling continues it's worshipful coverage by examining, in mind-numbingly boring detail, every single fucking vote their Sainted Senator ever cast. Well, all except the inconvenient ones, of course.

Gesundheit - Brahmin Atrios, who can't be bothered to cease contemplating his navel, shits out a sublime link or two for his do-nothing lackeys to chorus "First!" over. Then its back to 'Ommoneypadmebankaccount...'

NewsPwoggers - The political commisar at NP is slacking off today, allowing his demotards to play catchup with the rest of us on energy issues. (Don't worry, though. There's zero chance of them actually doing anything about it.) Get with it, Stevie!

Obot Left - The fortress of fauxliberal fainthearts have started referring to Senator DateRape as "EMK." No, I'm not kidding.

Pandadroppings - Amanda eschews another round of corpse fondling to address the world-shaking comos-threatening crisis that is - long waits at airports! Oh, the humanity!

Pwogman! - The Superhero of Spinelessness sidles up to the grave and gets all wonky into it. Eeeewww!

Shake-A-Puddin - It's hard for this collection of shut-ins, cultists and self-help addicts to stay focused on anything outside of their intarweb commune, but Shakey gives it the old college try.

Lamey - Despite the best slobbering efforts at Obot Left, Lamey takes todays prize for Best Effort to Sodomize a Corpse. (It should be noted that Lamey has the worst case of Short Man's Disease since J. Edgar Hoover, which is how he manages to define alcoholism, vehicular homicide and rape as being "manly.") Way to go, Lamey!

"It would have been possible to find things out."

Sometimes people ask me what's the difference is between do-nothing pwogs like MoBetta / Diggly / etc and dirty greenie hippies. I generally send them here.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Motherfuck him AND John Wayne

1940 - 1969

Massa's in de cold cold ground.

As dozens are murdered in their foreign wars of conquest and occupation, let's check in on our stable of merit class delusional sycophants and watch them compete with each other over who can grovel the most abjectly at the dead feet of one of their massively over-privileged elites.

Balk the Left - Big Head Demotard takes the lead, praising the crumbs they were thrown and wishing that each and every member of the "Progressive Block" in the house were as big a drunk as their fallen fearless leader in the Senate. Sob.

Diggly Wiggly - Fondly remembers her master saying something nice about her boyfriend. (For real hilarity, check out the ass kissing in the comments!)

NewsPwoggers - As the most coldly rational and really realistic realists of the pwoggie bloggie crackpot realists, the Newspwoggers uncharacteristically recommend a weepy, schmaltzy, utterly unconvincing rationalization of the Kopechne murder. (Did you know ol' rat bastard Joe had Rosemary lobotomized? Who gives a fuck, pwog?)

Obot Left - Performing an act of necrophilia that would have made Ed Gein say: 'Oh, hey, just wait a minute now!', Mike "Left of the Left" Lux does things to "The Greatest American Senator Ever in the History of Ever" and, well, it's can't describe...Aaaaauuuugh! My eyes!

Pandadroppings - After 'Left Left' Lux's disgusting act of degradation, Amanda's simpering comes almost as a relief.

Pwogman! - Stevie D tries to out disgust 'Left Left' Lux...and fails.

Shake-A-Puddin - Ya know, as servile a bunch of limp noodle personality cultists as the "Shakies" are, you'd think they could do better than this pathetic, hackneyed excuse for a eulogy. I'm mean, the best this moron can come up with is tearily quoting lines from "Camelot." No, really, fucking "Camelot!"

Lamey - Not only does this rightwing Regan democrat dipshit think the sun shines out of his God-Emperor's ass, he lists JEDI among his master's massive achievements. He even links to the fucking Heritage Foundation. Yes, Lamey really is the face of the democrat "left."

"Down in de pwoggie blogs
Hear dat mournful sound:
All de demotards am a weeping,
Massa's in de cold, cold ground."

(As public grieving has become the new spectator sport for couch potato webtards, I've no doubt that this perfect storm of sycophantic crap in honor of Senator Wormfood has only just started, dear readers. Stay tuned!)

(Update: For a good example of pwoggie rationalization at work, go watch the crew at Alas! tie themselves in knots trying to make excuses for Senator DateRape. I personally like the "Well, he lost his chance to be president! Isn't that punishment enough?" argument. Hilarity!)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"I'll give you such a pinch!"

Partisan propeller-head Big Head Demotard raises his tiny fist of defiance to liberal chickenhawk Michael Tomasky's assertion that the faugressive wing which BTD thinks he represents (speaking only for himself, though.) must fall in behind the God-Emperor's craptastic health insurance reform no matter how craptastic it is.

just love it when over-privileged merit-school kids get into a slap fight? It's like watching Joe Besser duke it out with Paul Rubens. Don't worry, though. They'll be BFFs again in time for the next election.

(Update: Pwogman! swoops in to the rescue, fucks the corpses of FDR and LBJ simultaneously and sides with nobody. From this one can see why pwogwessive support is so valuable. Thanks, Pwogman!)

Monday, August 24, 2009

It's good to be the Queen

In the most patronizing way imaginable, Shake-A-Puddin has come down from on high to gift the unwashed masses with her banhammer policy. It's thick going, to say the least. Most of it seems to be predicated on the notion that only a chorus of harmonious pwoggieness can bring enlightenment to us lowly proles. It also has something to do with "Kyriarchy" which, as near as I can tell, is an old Mister Mister song. Otherwise the whole thing is couched in the superior sort of tone one finds particular to the most self-righteous sort of Women's Studies majors, neocons and bible fellowship teachers.

Here's a hint, Shakey. One doesn't have to be "the thought police" when one surrounds herself with butt-slurping toadies.

If only...

DNC flak and pwoggie sheep-doggie Mike "Left of the Left" Lux gives us an unintentional ray of hope in an otherwise grey, boring world. In his by turns condescending and hectoring missive to the ever gullible pwoggie masses over at Obot Left, he writes this:

Understand that whether we like it or not, the progressive movement's fate, at least for the next few years and probably longer, is inextricably tied to Obama's.
Oh, if only that were so! Watching Obama drag down his lackwitted intarweb flunkies with him would be Must See TV. More likely than not, after Obama is through kicking them in the crotch for eight years, the fauxgressive faithful will just get whinier and more vicious and more disfunctional (if such a thing can be imagined) until they finally morph into the 2016 version of the 'birthers.'

Still, dare to dream!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

This ain't no disco.

It ain't no bullshit ActBlue piggy bank for warmongering corporate democrats. It ain't no DP front group or RP astroturf. It's and it's so chronically underfunded it's in danger of going under for good.

So do what you can, if you can.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Apology Not Accepted

Normally I don't bother with the A-list pwogs. Mostly because I think that pundits who get paid to bloviate are less interesting than the amateur wannabes like Diggly or Big Turd Demotard. The way I figure it, since they're number two, the B-listers really have to ramp up teh crazy to get noticed. Nor do I have much use for pwoggie "news" sites like Alternet or Truthdig which, absent Bush, are largely useless appendages of the DP.

So I was somewhat surprised to stumble across an article by Chris Hedges, elite pwoggie columnist for La Nation and author of The War of Force that Means Somthing or what-the-fuck-ever. Buried in the bowels of Truthdig, it's a belated, half-assed apology on behalf of himself and his fellow partisan pundits, titled "Nader Was Right: Liberals Are Going Nowhere With Obama."

I won't bore you with the details. And I certainly can't speak on behalf of Ralph Nader or Cynthia McKinney or (most of, anyway) the Green Party. All I can really do is offer my own humble reaction to Hedges semi-hemi-demi-attempt at fence mending. Ahem:

"Ram it, demotard."

No, really. Ram it right up there where the sun don't shine, Hedges. We've had to listen to your supercilious, mealy-mouthed lesser-evil shit since your corporate-built robot Gore fucked up and lost the 2000 election to a Texas halfwit. For fucking years we've been hearing nothing but: "McKinney is a Traitor!" and "STFU you dirty greenie hippies!" from you sneering, gutless whining, puling, little turds and you want to make nicey-nice?

Really? Now that you dipshits have fucked up once again, suddenly we're supposed to forget the decade long rain of abuse from you assholes? You think because I recycle and use public transportation and shop locally and such, because of that I'm going to be nice and polite and reasonable and say "Oh, that's OK, Chris. I'll ignore your DECADE OF SHIT BECAUSE YOUR HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE! COME ON IN AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME AND RAPE MY SISTER, CHRIS!"

What do you think I am, Chris? A democrat?

Get A Room!

Like most of his pwoggie bloggie breathren, there's no one in the dem elite that Big Turd Democrat wouldn't immediately drop to his knees to fellate. But, damn!

Heads explode: McAullife Offers Fundraiser For Virginia Dems Who Commit To Public Option

...The "corporate shill" Terry Mac is to the left of a good segment of the "Left" blogosphere on health care reform. How funny is that?

I can't even begin to parse this. Is BTD under the impression that pimping Lord Obama's craptastic "public option" bait and switch is somehow "left?" Would he have expected a slimeball like McAullife not to support a corporate designed piece of shit like the public option? Does BTD spend a significant amount of time masturbating to pictures of Bill Clinton? Would a "yes" to all three questions really surprise anyone?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mike L: Portrait of an Obamaholic

Of all the pwoggie bloggie empire worshipers posting on the intarwebs these days, Mike Lux over at Obot Left must be one of the most prolific. Absurdities flow from his keyboard in a thick and steady stream, like sewage down a Mumbai ghetto street. I would bet real money that you'd be hard pressed to find a more blindly obedient, fanatical, servile boot lick this side of Mo'Betta Bowers. (If I had any money not already spent on horrendously over-priced health care, that is.)

Like many Obots, Mike considers himself "the left of the left." This is kind of like saying that Hootie and the Blowfish were one of the best death metal bands ever. Attempting to portray his party's bait-and-switch "public option" as the Holy Grail of health care reform borders on the obscene in the face of 50-60 people dying daily because of our lethally expensive heath care system.

Of course, excuse-making lesser-evil excrementalists like Mike "Left of the Left" Lux wouldn't last a New York minute in the same room with a real leftist. But if you have a strong stomach for servile absurdity, sycophantic puffery and kowtowing-a-plenty, you can read little Mikey's letter of undying devotion to his God-Emperor over at MoBetta Bower's place. Or you could just go ahead and jam your hand down a garbage disposal. The effect is much the same.

(Update: While schmoozing for dough from her demotard followers, Diggy characterizes herself as a "DFH" - which I'm guessing must mean "Democrat Fuck Head" since she can't possibly in her wildest Eisenhower Republican dreams imagine herself a "Dirty Fucking Hippy." That would be absurd. Surely.)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Blast From The Past

Just in case anyone has forgotten how much batshit insanity the pwoggie bloggies spew on a daily basis, Diggly here relates the sad sad story of how she failed to convince some poor deluded kids who just don't possess her marvelous range of political experience and thus everything that happend after 2000 IS ALL RALPH NADER'S FAULT!!!

Oh, if only they had relied on the kindness of strangers! Why, everything would be wonderful now!

Pwoggie Bloggie Roundup - With Extra Glee!

As Bagdad and Kabul explode into violence and God-Emperor Obama moves troops into Columbia for a third front on the War on Terror Drugs What-The-Fuck-Ever, lets check in with our Official Emperor Obama Glee Club members and see how they address these troubling events. But first, the Imperial Glee Club Theme Song:

Who's the leader of us all,
in Imperial America,
"B-A-R! A-C-K! O-B-A-M-A!"
Barack Obama!
Barack Obama!
Let's all hold our Emperor's banner high!
High! High! High!

Alas, a pwog - These Afghani women protesting our puppet regime's new law prove my point about lying wingnuts. Or something. Anyway, there were protesters. So I win. Ha.

Balk the Left - Senator Kennedy should resign so we can have the crappy plastic toy daddy said we could have. Doesn't he realize the immense power we pwogwessives wield?

Diggly Wiggly - Here's a long winded, largely bullshit argument on why the public option, or rather co-ops, uh, Mo'Betta Bowers says, uh, oh fuck it! Just send in your checks, you stupid fucking rubes!

Gesundheit - We tried! Oh how we tried so very very very hard to stop them! Alas! Our efforts to elect every fucking warmongering democrat piece-of-shit we could were somewhat ineffective at stopping the slaughter. Oh well. (And a lone voice from the comment section responds to Brahamin Atrios' soulful lament: "STOP HELPING US!")

The NewsPwoggers - Ya know what we need to halt the unimaginable slaughter in Iraq and Afghanistan? Mo'betta pwoggie bloggies!

Obot Left - Ya ever notice how much I'm like William Wallace? You may use the comments section to tell me how much I'm like Mel Gibson, peons.

Pandadroppings - Barney Frank is teh funny! Whoot for our team!

Pwogman! - We're irresolute weenies! Hooray for us!

Shake-A-Puddin - Barney Frank is teh funny! Whoot for our team!

Grampa - Uh, I got nothin'.

Lamey - Lookit these fuckin' wingnuts! Buy my CD!

(Props in this roundup edition go to The NewsPwogs and Brahmin Atrios for actually acknowledging that places like Iraq and Afghanistan (but not Columbia) actually exist. Good pwoggies. Gooooood pwoggies.)

(Update: Diggly herself managed to put up a short post, not on the violence going on now, of course, but on a report issued by her party's GayTM on the persecution of gay men in Iraq. Apparently it makes her heart hurt. As if that were worth any fucking thing to anyone.)

(Updater: Newspwogger Steve Hynd loses all the brownie points his site had earned by abjectly apologizing to one of the A-list pwog bloggers he'd earlier had the temerity to criticize. Way to show your pwoggie yellow streak, Steve.)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Back in line, peons!

Now that Nutroots is officially over, the squirrels have all scampered back to their respective hollow blogs and are now busy cuffing and kicking their fellow demotards back into line. In particular, DP flak-wannabe Dave Anderson is slathering the NewsPwoggers with enough DNC talking point bullshit to keep that blogs overwhelming stink good and thick and strong. Pungent enough at least until it's time to vote for their masters and betters again. I'd link to his flurry of crap, but I don't have a working gas mask right now. Anyway, you don't really need a link. As a wise toucan once said: "Just follow your nose!"

(Update: Now that the lesser pwogs have been beaten into submission, it's time to pick their pockets. Does anyone else get the feeling that your average pwog is one of nature's own mugging victims?)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Logic Is Unassialable.

"What is emerging here is what was being planned by the Obama White House all along, which is they would only—they would only demand legislation that was accepted by the big drug companies and the big health insurance companies."

~Ralph Nader on Democracy Now (h/t 2 Spartacus in the comments!)

By now even the most determinedly oblivious of pwog bloggers has heard that God-Emperor Obama has publicly announced he is not going to buy them their 'Public Option' brand toy for Christmas. Never mind that the bauble Diggy & Pwogman and the rest so desperately crave is just a cheap plastic piece of crap made by Chinese prisoners (and marked up 1,200%) that will break in about the time it takes to unwrap it. They need the toy to bring to school and show their little friends how nice daddy 'Bama is to them.

So what happens next? Now that it looks like daddy 'Bama is going to buy the pwoggies an even cheaper 'Co-op' brand knockoff of the already crappy 'Public Option' brand, I mean. Are they going to throw a tantrum? Hold their breath until they turn blue? Finally move out of their parents basement? (Did I mention the pwoggies are in their twenties and thirties? Yeah, pathetic. I know.)

Don't be silly.

Most pwoggies are doing what they always do when their "team" kicks them good and hard in the groin. They're lying on the floor, holding their bruised tender parts and pretending nothing happened. Of the few who are actually acknowledging this latest shot to the crotch, their responses are already wearyingly predictable. Here's a couple early nerds:

They're Incompetent! - Putting out the flames in the comments section on Balk the Left, Big Turd Demotard is desperately portraying his masters and betters, not as the corporate-owned lying sharks they really are, but as kindly and well-meaning bunglers trying to salvage what they can from the wreckage. Of course, his logic is unassailable.

It's the Media's Fault! - Over at Gesundheit, pwoggie Brahman Atrios brushes away the flies disturbing his beautiful mind with the cow's tail of every pwogs fave-rave all-purpose excuse. If you listen closely, you can hear his comments section echo back: 'FIRST!'

Stay tuned as the rest of the moral cretins of the pwoggiesphere weigh in with more hackneyed rationalizations. They're logic is, as always, truly unassailable. Truly.

(Update: Grampa Pwog is siding with Brahman Atrios, shaking his cane at those darned meddling media kids! Here's a hint, Grandpa - 90% or so of all US media is owned by five corporations, three of which own a fair chunk of your fucking party, demotard.)

(Update: Pwogman! uses his super-duper powers of cosmic pwoggieness to explain that insurance company run "non-profit" Co-ops aren't such a bad thing after all and anyway what more do you want you buncha ingrates!)

(And This Just In - The crackpot-realists over at NewsPwoggers have come up with the quintessential do-nothing spaghetti-spined pwogwessive solution to the health care crisis - let the bodies pile up until 'serious reform becomes possible.' No shit! Go read it for yourself!)

(Update: It's a laugh-a-minute E-ticket ride for the whole family over at Mo'Betta Bowers place, where he's urging the pwoggie bloggie faithful to call their masters and thank them for being the fabulous sold-out corporate jellyfish they are.)

(Update: "Public option? What public option? We don't need no stinkin' public option! Or maybe we do. I dunno." RapMasterPwog Dday says over at Diggly Wiggly. )

Friday, August 14, 2009

Watering the Nutroots

Here's a quick summary of everything our fearlessly pwogwessive tellers-of-truth-to-power have written so far about the leaked White House / Big Pharma deal memo outlining Obama's sellout to his drug corporation donors. No, don't thank me. It's just my job:

Alas, a pwog - Would you like to see my vacation slides? There's only 60,000 of them.

Balk the Left - Meaningful health care reform is just around the corner thanks to Obama's secret "bipartisan shtick" plan!

Diggly Wiggly - OMG I got to see Howard Dean at Nutroots Nation!!!!1!one!!eleventy!!! (Swoon!)

Gesundheit - Lookit the wingnut! Oh, wait, am I late? Sry.

NewsPwoggers - Here's an article I read that debunks a health care fallacy that no one but freepers believe anyway. Hope for change!

Obot Left - OMG I get to co-host a pannel with Howard Dean at Nutroots Nation!!!!1!one!!eleventy!!! (Swoon!)

Pandadroppings - Come and see me at Nutroots Nation!

Pwogman! - I'm waiting in a big hall at Nutroots Nation, on line to fellate Bill "Big Dick Dog" Clinton, and it reminds me of a story...

Shake-A-Puddin - Here's about the 14 billionth fucking picture of me. Only 86 trillion to go!

Gramps - Lookit the wingnu...Whut? Whut day is it?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Pity for Pittsburgh

Nutroots Ground Zero

Poor Pittsburgh. Not only does it have to put up with the G-20 messtacular shutting down the golden triangle this September, but it also has to endure the annual pwoggie bloggie circlejerk Nutroots Nation. Sure, it might be fun to throw peanuts at fauxgressive celebutards like King Ko$ or Mo'betta Bowers as they scurry past, shielded by their respective gaggles of craven butt-slurpers, toadies and wannabes, but just imagine being a waitron for a table of these over-priviledged merit-school dipshits. I'd rather be the waiter at Mr. Pink's table.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Wednesday Blogaround Roundup Overview

In the wake of new revelations about the secretive fundamentalist group "The Family," it's influence on US foreign policy and Sec State Hillary "Bombs Away!" Clinton's connections with the group, here's everything our fearlessly independent super-progressive pwoggie bloggie doggies have had to say about this troubling situation. Just feel the gravitas! Feel it!

Alas, a pwog - Libertarians are nutty!

Balk the Left - Lookit the wingnuts!

Diggly Wiggly - Libertarians are nutty!

Gesundheit - First!

NewsPwoggers - Lookit the wingnuts!

Obot Left - Lookit the wingnuts!

Pandadroppings - Lookit the wingnuts!

Pwogman! - Wingnuts will destroy us all!

Shake-A-Puddin - Look! Another shitty Gilliam fantasy pic! Eeeeeeee!

Grampa - You wingnuts git offa mah lawn!

Lamey - Fucking wingnut! Buy my CD!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Willful Ignorance A-Go-Go

Word must have come down the pipe to 'make the health care debate personal' or some such, since the pwog blogs are being flooded with posts about going to the doctor's office for a hang nail or colon cancer or whatever. The DP is just giving their yippy-yappy pwoggie puppies some bullshit make work over the fall break, but I really can't be bothered with it. Life is too short to bother with shitty high school essays written by ass-kissing pwogs.

Much funnier is the utter obliviousness with which our pwoggie doggies treat their mistress Hillary on her little jaunt to look after our business interests in DR Congo. As usual, our demotard cheerleaders are fucking clueless about our foreign policy in the region. But that doesn't stop them from drooling and blubbering over empty gestures from and imagined slights to bloody handed war mongering DLC fucks like Hillary "Bombs Away!" Clinton.

Truthfully, your average pwog doesn't really give a shit about the DRC so long as the flow of coltan for his/her electronic gadgets is uninterrupted. That's why we've been fueling both sides (sometimes all sides) of with hundreds of tons of arms shipments since the Cold War.

The ongoing civil war in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (formerly Zaire) is a prime example of the devastating legacy of U.S. arms sales policy on Africa. The U.S. prolonged the rule of Zairian dictator Mobutu Sese Soko by providing more than $300 million in weapons and $100 million in military training. Mobutu used his U.S.-supplied arsenal to repress his own people and plunder his nation’s economy for three decades, until his brutal regime was overthrown by Laurent Kabila’s forces in 1997. When Kabila took power, the Clinton administration quickly offered military support by developing a plan for new training operations with the armed forces.

Of course, things were different in the Wondrous Clinton Golden Years of Peace And Prosperity, weren't they?
In fact, the Clinton administration’s approach to Africa continues to focus on securing short-term U.S. interests in the region, maintaining a safe distance from the ongoing problems, and encouraging near-sighted, armed responses to the complex problems of democratic transition and international peacebuilding.
Nope. Guess not.

After Bill "Big Dick Dog" Clinton was done ignoring genocide and propping up African warlords and dictators, the Bogus POTUS King George II was only too happy to carry on the legacy of President Fuckstick, fighting every arms embargo that might affect the guns-for-minerals trade in the DRC.

Which brings us back around to the present and our Sec State's diversion from important tasks like threatening Eritrea (for endangering our Somali puppet government, amongst other things) to go check up on our corporate interests in DR Congo. An upsurge in the horrific practice of systematic rape during US backed military operations prompted some comment from Hillary, for which she is being lauded in the pwog blogs as a model of feminist righteousness. Presumably, she's just fine with murder, theft and oppression our proxy forces commit on behalf of US interests - just so long as rape isn't involved.

And I'm sure the Emperor agrees.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dear Virginia, STFU.

It's well known that God-Emperor Obama and many of his higher ranking staff always turn to the Newspwoggers for advice on how to conduct the affairs of state. After all, the Newspwogs have long been blindly faithful democrats and good little citizens of the Empire, supporting the carnage in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere with their money and votes even as they decry the slaughter. I mean, who wouldn't respect that kind of integrity? I know I do. You bet.

With that, I would like to introduce you the Newspwogger's latest missive to our President. It's a long letter, full of implications and instructions, cajolery and mendacity, flim-flam, flip-flop and foo-forrah. Let's look at a few snippets:

Left unchecked fear of this unknown leads to anger, rage and the mob behavior we are now witnessing. This frustration is real. The anger is not counterfeit. And the cause cannot be explained simply by pointing a finger at any one group. It is the consequence of many different interests converging in a perfect storm, a tipping point resulting in public conflict that has not been seen for many years.

So a couple of RNC public relations groups use a handful of Limbaugh Losers to stage some phonyass demos in a bunch of phonyass DNC health care hearings and suddenly it's the Dissolution Of The Fucking Republic? Really? I wonder, does our author get out of his mom's basement much?

Fear is the emotion of the day. We fear the unknown. We fear that what might happen may be even worse than what we know.

We fear the darkness of night and the savage fangs of wild animals and the career of Sienna Miller! Save us, Oh Emperor Most High! Save us!

You must accept and validate this public rage and find a way to redirect it toward the real villains in our midst, the well-funded organized groups now spending millions of dollars on a war of television commercials, viral emails, social networks, scripted rage at public meetings and old-fashioned gossip that distort the realities of the status quo and what will surely come to pass if we fail to take action.

Not only is he President, Emperor and Saviour, but Obama is also our therapist. Also, all the real frustration, anger and fear is just "scripted rage" now. So you can forget about it. No biggy.

This is not the playoffs. We are only part way through the game. This is "time out" an the ball has bounced in your direction.

Ah, now here we're on more familiar pwoggie ground. After all the wailing and weeping and dire warnings, a good old pwoggie sports metaphor. Because, you see, your average sheltered, suburban, middle class, faugressive demotard has no more notion of how our political system works than a lightly retarded weasel has about string theory. But in the pwoggie world, politics doesn't affect anybody real. You know, anyone who counts.

As far as pwogs like Hootsbuddy are concerned, it's really all just a game.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Pwoggie Bloggie Roundup - Imperial Cheerleader Edition

Send your checks in to!

As Emperor Obama's forces of progressive hope for change continue to sacrifice US citizens in their all-out effort to mutilate and murder the people of Afghanistan and while our client state Iraq continues to implode, lets take a look at what the sharp-eyed, coolly-rational advertise liberally set have to say about these atrocities:

Alas, a pwog - A gun nut with a bad case of male menopause murdered several women. This means something...

Balk the Left - I went to an astroturf "health care event" to photograph astroturf wingnuts and not much happened.

Diggly Wiggly - Stop picking on my boyfriend!

Gesundheit - Um, yeah, whatever.

Newspwoggers - YouTube video funny. Hehheh.


Pandadroppings - A gun nut with a bad case of male menopause murdered several women. This means something...

Pwogman! - Hey, has anyone else heard about these astroturf wingnuts? Gosh, protesting is icky.

Shake-A-Puddin - Hi, my name is Melissa and I'm stuck in the '80s. Validate me. NOW!

The Grampa Institute - Hi, I'm a grumpy old man and I'm trying to be "hip" like all you darn young kids today with your hula-hoops and your fax machines and your The Smiths and...

Lamey - Lookit the freaks! Buy my CD!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Stop hitting yourself!

Shorter Mo'Betta Bowers:

STFU about third parties already! Hey, look at our track record of rigging elections. Haha! How do you dirty fucking hippies like that? Huh? HUH? Losers! Now give me your lunch money!
Pop Quiz: Which is more repulsive? The fact that Mo'Betta this willfully ignorant of how his own party works or the fact that Mo'Betta is so astonishingly disconnected that he thinks politics is a fucking "game."

Mowing the Astroturf

Yes, I have a silly mustache. So?

Okay, now, I understand the whole hypocritical "But It's Okay When WE Do It" excuse that demotard fauxgressives trot out whenever they're caught doing the exact same shit as their republitard cousins. Like whenever Obama, say, fries a bunch of toddlers with hellfire missiles, the pwoggie chorus goes something like "Oh, we don't approve of that. We just voted for Obama for his domestic policies. And when Obama gives away trillions to banksters, the pwogs get together and whine in unison: "Oh, we don't approve of that. We just voted for Obama for his foreign policies."

So, yeah, I get that hypocrisy is the bedrock upon which pwoggie/freeper political discourse is built. But given that the forementioned is so self-evident, why now do the pwoggie blogs have their boxers in a bunch over freeper astroturfing? I mean, both corporate parties have been doing this shit since Eddie Bernays was in short pants. So what gives? I can only think of three possible reasons:

1 - Pwogs are so stunningly ignorant that they didn't know PR firms and professional lying existed until just now.

B - Orders from the DNC Monday e-mail said: "Act like giant pants-pissing babies re: freeper astroturf."

III - They're so afraid they'll have nothing to show their gullible followers after promising them the moon and the stars that they're frantic to pimp God-Emperor Obama's craptastic giveaway to the insurance companies just so they'll have a crumb to show to the rubes.

That's all I got. Anyone else got any suggestions?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Shorter Mo'Betta Bowers:

Bullshit primaries are bullshit not because intra-party fixing and backroom deals make our incumbent re-election rates hover around ninty-five-fucking-percent. Noooo. Primaries are bullshit because the American people think they are! Clap if you want Tinkerbell to live!

Extra bonus cluelessness: Mo'Betta's mind-bendingly wrong analysis of MN6 (my home district! yay!) portrays scrappy independent Maureen Reed as the corporate-owned lackey and corporate-owned lackey Tarryl Clark as the scrappy independent. This is the funniest bit of pwoggie bloggie dipshittery since they tried to portray D-AL-C Franken as a liberal. (Or, for that matter, from Minnesota.)

Pwoggie Vs Freeper - The Final Conflict

(An artist's depiction of what pwoggies imagine townhall meetings are like.)

There's a lot of pwoggie prestige on the line with God-Emperor Obama's craptastic giveaway to the health insurance companies. If the fauxgressive elite don't get something they can pass off as "reform" to their legions of on-line do-nothings, why, they might just...just...stamp their little feet! Or something!

The sages at Diggly Wiggly are exercised over the fact that their "team's" bullshit astroturf organizations aren't doing enough to combat the repub's bullshit astroturf organizations. Obot Left is blowing the trumpets in a call to man the walls against hoards of insane rightwing orcs birthers charging waddling to attack Helm's Deep Holy Obama's Holy Heathcare Reform Fortress and Motor Lounge. Even Lamey, the ne plus ultra of boring Internet pundit-wannabes, is spinning madly, flinging charges of TERRORISM against his mirror images on the right and calling for "counter insurgency" to be led by his fellow personality cultists.

All this thud and blunder is over a bill that in other countries would be characterized as a legislative crime. But please, gentle reader, don't either side in on that little fact. It might spoil the spectacle of red faced Cheeto-stuffed couch potatoes screaming incoherently at each other in city council chambers all across the country and foil my plan to see tickets at the door. (It'll be a gold mine, I tell ya! A gold mine!)

Monday, August 3, 2009

Saved By The Lamey

Ya know, I almost didn't have a post today.

Yeah, I know, quel dommage, right? But clicking down the list of useless pwoggie blogs today only garnered a handful of tedious, trivial, turgid and, oh, something else that begins with a 't,' posts that barely deserve comment.

And it's only going to get worse. Now that we're almost a year away from the Most Important Election Ever In The History of Elections Ever, our mealy-mouthed gaggle of pwoggies will become increasingly obessed with every state, district, county, city, township, village, hamlet, doghouse, henhouse and shithouse their corporate-owned masters control. Lemme tell ya, it's either feast or famine with the pwoggie blogs.

But suddenly! Just as I was about to give up and post pictures of a cat or my new glasses or what-the-fuck-ever, The Lame Ranger wrote to my rescue. Who was that masked dumbass? (Hi-Yo Dildo! Awaaaaay!)

Now, Lamey has been on a tear recently, making excuses for his DNC masters and betters and hoping that someone will actually believe his weakass drivel. But this latest in the series is a prize-winning grand-bull-moose Excuse-A-Thon with Jerry Lewis and the June Taylor Dancers and special guest appearance by Don Ho!

This one's got it all! There's the "duped democrats" excuse. (They weren't.) The "cowardly democrats" excuse. (They aren't.) (Idiot.) The "mean republicans" excuse. (Sticks 'n Stones.) The "It's the Media's fault" excuse. (See: The Conservatard Excuses Playbook, Ch. 6, 7 &11) The "Obama's secret plan" myth. (He doesn't.) The "health care reform" myth. (It isn't.) and he even dusts off that hoary old "Democrats are the party of the people" myth that no one has beleived since the Civil-Fucking-War.

Lamey's blog may have to be designated a superfund site if he keeps on storing that much toxic whitewash in one place. Besides, packing rationalization that densely may contravene several arms treaties and the Geneva Convention. I personally haven't seen apologia piled that high since Jimmy the Greek got booted off of "NFL Today" and that was in the dark pre-internet days when dinosaurs thundered across the plains in their thousands and buffalo ruled the earth!

Well, you see what I'm driving at. There's no possible way I can not award Lamey something for his herculean efforts at justifying his master's criminal acts. And so, by the power invested in me by Dirty Greenies everywhere, I hearby award The Lame Pundit our new monthy award:

The Purple Finger of Contempt!*

Congratulations, Lamey. You deserve every last pixel of it.

(* Inspiration for this award properly goes to ace commenter Al Schumann. This was your fault, pal!)